Said goodbye to Toshiba Global Recruitment. I don't know if it's the right decision, but I really don't feel my passion and direction for it. :(

Somehow I just don't feel it's the right choice.


I hope I don't regret this.

I'm in love with the wrong person.

F me.

Unspoken

I feel so misunderstood.

I'm surrounded by people who can be so judgmental.

Up to what extent would you listen to what other people are saying?

----------------------------------

I'm falling real hard, and you have no idea.

You'll probably never know.

I'm just so happy with you..-- it hurts to know that nothing will happen.

Oh well this is my curse.

Alive

It's amazing the comfort that you get from shedding much tears and spending almost the whole day and evening with the people who matter to you most. I've never felt so devastated and happy all in the same day.

I feel so alive. My heart has never beat this much for a while now out of emotions that feel so real.


I just realized today how human I am.

Insanity

WTF.

Lola's in the ICU.

This can't be happening. NOT NOW.


How can someone deserve this?

I told myself i'll try my best to always smile.

This just makes this more difficult.

:) :( :) :( :) :( :)

I'm insane.

Reopening for the nth time.

I always say that I want to start reusing this blog.

But why can't I finish









what I started.

Nakabibingi.

Nakabibingi.

Maraming nagsasalita, marami akong naririnig na tunog, ngunit wala akong maintindihan. Nakapanlulumong pilitin ang sariling maintindihan ang mga bagay na hindi (sa palagay ko) dapat pinag-uusapan. Masayang magkaroon nang paunti-unting kawalang-kahulugan sa mga pag-uusap. Pero kung parating kawalang-kuwentahan na lamang, nakakawalang gana makipag-usap at magsalita. So mabuti na lamang sigurong manahimik, at manood at bigyang kahulugan ang sarili na hindi kailanman maiintindihan ng iba.

Sa kasalukuyan, wala rin akong kamalayan sa kung ano nga ba ang dapat, kung ano rin ang hinahanap ko, o kung ano rin ang nais kong marinig. Puro kalabuan lamang ang laman ng katotohanan ko.


Kaya mainam marahil na manahimik at makinig at baka sakaling may marinig na rin ako.


----
Pagod na ako.

Kung alam niyo lang.

Mahirap pumasan ng mundo na hindi mo naman dapat pinapasan.

Introspection

"Anna, are you sad?"

I've been haunted by that question for the past 2 days now. After that signature analysis, I'm surprised at how simple strokes can have that much impact to my entirety.


Am I sad?

Maybe.

But I have glimpses of happiness in my life.

But is that enough?


Sometimes it really helps to hear it from other people for you to imagine how real it is. Sometimes you need other people to say it to you straight in the face because you'll realize that one of the hardest things to do is to face yourself and admit that there is something wrong. If it not for that night, I would've never known how much I've let my life pass by without me even noticing. It was a slap on the face, it hurts, yes, but feeling the pain makes the experience more real.

Now what's left, given that it's acknowledged, is to process and do something about it.

I just hope I find time to do this, fast.


Life's too short. Sayang ang panahon.

Reopening

I'm reopening this blogger account.

This will be epic.

This will be one of my feeble attempts to make sense out of this world, and maybe try to get a concrete sense of the escapist in me.

And maybe this is one of my attempts to bring back the cha that was lost in the midst of the chaos and the objectivities of life.


Welcome back chanthesse.

Back.

It's almost 2:00 am. Last time i checked the clock, it was only 12 am.

2 hours of experimenting (no, not in the chemistry lab sort of thing... something else..). Talk about unproductivity. But then again, i realized certain things.

These past 3 weeks, I had been really confused about myself and what I feel.

But now I guess everything's clear. I'm not who I think I am. Thank goodness..

I went to Fr. Ben's and Mr. Rene San Andres' leadership forum. I learned a lot. And in a sense, I was affirmed after the past doubts I have about my leadership and maturity about certain things.

Two reports POS 100 and Ch136. Both ok... Both crammed. But I couldn't have crammed any better. Best cramming experience ever.

Overall, I'm quite speechless of what's been happening in my life at the moment.
Too much mixed emotions. Too much complications. Too many misinterpretations.


---- I love being vague and random. I missed this.

Mageemo lang ako. ngayon lang, pagbigyan niyo na ako.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

YOU CALL YOURSELVES MY FRIENDS?!

WHATEVER.

I'll do this, alone.

ARRRRGH.

hai.

because I was too busy.

while browsing through my planner, my multiply contacts, and friendster friends list, I suddenly realized something...


There were A LOT of friends whom I forgot to greet last 2008! of course, it wouldn't take much of a genius to figure that every year my friends would celebrate their birthdays. And sometime during the year, there would be one day that I'd be greeting them a happy birthday! But there were very few moments those words came out of my mouth, or my pen, or my cellphone.

I suddenly felt I've grown apart from a lot of people. Those that I usually talked to when I was in highschool, I absolutely have no idea what's been going on with their lives.

These are moments when I begin checking on my priorities.

It's been more than a year since I've seen any of my high school friends. So what happened with keeping in touch and friends forever? THEY were keeping in touch, while I was busy creating another world.

And that was MY mistake.

I hope more than a year of not talking didn't change much of anything. (asa pa ako.)

Hai, I miss people.

and I hope me saying BELATED HAPPY TO ALL OF YOU isn't too late.

here I end my year-ender posts

It's just a few hours before 2009.

Just a few moments left before i say goodbye to this one heck of a year. I don't want to reminisce. Whatever happened this year put me to where I am right now, whether it be downright tragic or exaggeratingly happy.

I've learned a lot, and I'm hoping to learn more.

I'm just thankful to have had experienced ALL OF IT.

As for new year's resolutions? I guess I'd be lying if I say I don't have any. I have a LOT. But I'd rather keep that to myself, for now.


Although there is one thing I would really want to happen this 2009,

and that is,


to live like I have never lived before.



Too much?

Nah, I don't think so...


That's what were struggling to do every day...



A happy and prosperous 2009 to everyone!

Cheers!

here i begin my year end posts.

Because I got a lot of things to do, and I got bored doing them. haha.


Got this from Troy and Meryl.

Where did you begin 2008?
Bel-air drive, outside our house in Laguna.

What was your status by Valentine's day of 2008?
Single and very very happy.

Did you have to go to the hospital?
i was sent to the hospital for asthma attacks, a tension strain on my neck, and a biopsy surgery.
SO YES. I had to go to the hospital.

Did you have any encounters with the police?
none.

What did you purchase over $500?
i don't have that much money.

Did you know anybody who got married?
other than celebrities, no one close to me or my family.

Did you know anybody who passed away?
no relatives, but a lot of close family friends. especially during the months of October and November.

What sporting events did you attend?
UAAP. the best was the championship game of Ateneo - La Salle.

What concerts/shows did you go to?
gigs here and there, but no major concert

Where do you live now?
New house in Laguna. Still in Laguna Bel-air, but in a different Phase.

Describe your birthday.
Spent the whole day at our house. It was surprising that classes were suspended. Just with family, my tita and her children from the states.

What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did?
quit the ateneo judo team. :(

Any new additions to your family?
hm, none that I know of. haha.

What was your best month?
December! :)

Who was your best drinking buddy?
buddies in my case: Lean Mari M. Cauilan, ACheS EB (lahat sila! i won't name names. hahaha! mga laklakero!), Maria Sophia de la Paz, Kristine Haizell S. Anore (although not much itong si Haiz this year.)

Made new friends?
Yes yes yes! maraming maraming marami!

Any regrets?
A lot of regrets this year. Don't know where to start. (or where to end.)

What do you want to change in 2009?
My attitude and views toward life. I was very stubborn this year. I was highly pessimistic. I always felt that life was unfair towards me. Especially with all the misfortunes that I had this year. It was hard to have a positive view point about life. Maybe by changing this, things wouldn't seem so bad after all. According to my friend (who got it from some other person) "you carry your own weather".

Overall, how would you rate this year?
6. It's pretty obvious why.

Have any life changes in 2008?
too many to mention. the only constant thing in life is change.

Get a new job?
For 2009? am still thinking about it.

How old did you turn this year?
pretty old.

Did anything embarrassing?
nothing major. although i have a lot of embarrasing moments with my friends and family.

Get married or divorced?
I wish.

Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
via you tube. no television in our dormitory.

Start a new hobby?
nope. But I lost a lot of hobbies. unless you consider Orgs and School as hobbies, then yes!

Are you happy to see 2008 go?
YES! bye.

Drank Starbucks in 2008?
yes! and the most memorable was when I drank with a. soph, we chatted for hours! (dahil hindi kami natuloy sa drews sa dami ng tao! hahaha.)

Been naughty or nice?
I choose or. haha.

What are you wishing for in 2009?
inner peace. (since world peace doesn't seem possible at the moment. haha)

to my horror.

I thought vampire stories were scary. This was even scarier.

I remembered when me and my roommate were laughing about making a tagalog version of Twilight. The ideas were just waltzing in our heads. We were trying to figure out who the perfect Edward Cullen and Bella Swan would be. The names Richard Gutierrez, Angel Locsin, Denise Trillo, Katrina Halili, Piolo Pascual popped out of our conversation every once in a while. We were hysterical. We thought it was funny. But when I saw this, nope, not funny at all:




what the hell is wrong with you people!?!? How can you even think about...arrrgh!?!? (sorry, speechless due to utter disbelief!) The whole world is going to react to this. Although ABS-CBN was licensed and has legally bought the production of this film, I still can't believe they pushed through with this idea. Why do Filipinos love to have their own version of something. Can't we just be original every once in a while?

So much for me and my roommates laughing fantasies. It suddenly became frightening.

vague.

first time kong mangatog dahil sa sobrang takot.

nanginginig ang aking buong katawan...

seryoso.

narealize ko...

ang hina ko na.

kasisimula pa lang ng sem, may doubts na ako sa sarili ko. kinakain ako ng mga negative thoughts ngayon.

kailangan kong maging matapang.

kailangan ko ng tulong.

kailangan.

no regrets.

lumabas na ang mga grades.

and I'm satisfied. :)

i couldv'e done better pero no room for regrets.

marami akong natutunan sa nakaraang sem,

at marami akong ipinagpapasalamat.

bawi.

may 5 sem at dalawang summer pa ako para makabawi. (ang konti nalang pala...)

yun lang. hehe.

nang chumismis ako.

nandito ako sa ateneo, nag-aaral, o akala ko lang na nag-aaral ako.

chumismis ako kanina (yes, nahawa na ako sa chismis powers ni hannah. hehe.) sa isang grupo ng mga tao sa may sec benches malapit sa ctc (sa mga hindi nakaka-alam, ang ctc at sec ay building sa ateneo)

lalaki: bakit naman ako mag-aaral?

babae: kasi nasa school ka. ano pa bang gagawin mo dito?...

napaisip ako. natawa at naiyak sa loob-loob ko.

oo nga naman. pero, yun lang ba talaga yun?...

ang tanong, ano ba dapat talaga ang pinag-aaralan mo sa ateneo? ano ba talaga ang dapat matutunan? or.. ano ba yung mahalagang matutunan?...

ano ba ang magiging mahalaga sa hinaharap?...

ang masasabi ko lang...

ang daming gagawin...

yun lang.

*pffft*

tawa ka muna! para maiba naman.

sa nakaraang dalawang linggo (o halos malaking parte siguro ng sem na ito), wala akong mashadong ginawa kundi sumimangot. (actually, marami akong ginawa, dami ng requirements, pero sa bawat pagkakataong gagawin ko ang mga bagay-bagay, parating may halong simangot...). hai. sino ba naman ang hindi sisimangot, sa dami ng mga nangyari sa akin nung nakaraang mga linggong iyon, sino ba naman ang hindi mapapasimangot:

-nasunog yung cafeteria sa veterans, at nandun ang aming goldilocks stall. lunes na lunes ng umaga noong nakaraang dalawang linggo, iyon ang bumulagta sa akin.

-nagpacheck-up ako sa isang physician/surgeon sa veterans. at dinaignose na may cancer daw ako sa breast. kinakailangan ko raw maoperahan (biopsy) at isesedate daw ako para malaman kung benign or malignant, kung benign tuberculosis of the breast daw ang abnormality, kapag malignant, patay na. tuesday last last week ko nalaman. at ang operation ko, saturday that week din. tapos, within the whole week nagkaroon ako ng mga lab tests para malaman kung pupuwede raw akong masedate. kumusta naman ang shock ko nung nalaman ko iyon. sabi nga nung isa kong nakausap ---- "ok ka lang? hindi ba dapat hindi, malaman mo ba namang may tumor ka eh.". ok, that was a very blunt way to put it. pero yun naman talaga eh. sabi ko na nga lang sa sarili ko nung mga panahong iyon-- "asus, cancer lang yan!". at nakikipaglokohan lang ako sa sarili ko nung mga panahong iyon.

-tuloy pa rin ang santambak na requirements. magfifinals week na kasi. may sakit ka na nga, depressed ka na nga, malay mo bang mamamatay ka na, siyempre kailangan mo pa ring isipin yung pag-aaral mo. hindi naman titigil ang mundo, hindi titigil ang mga teacher ko sa pagbibigay ng mga homeworks, seatworks at tests dahil lang malas ako at nagkakaganon ang buhay ko. naisip ko nga, ganito ka-sama ang mundo. sa katotohanan naman, wala namang time-out, kahit gusto mo. walang awa-awa. iikot lamang ng iikot ang mundo.

-inoperahan ako noong sabado. at inoperahan ako ng gising. pakiramdam ko noon, para akong hayop. kumbaga sa philo, "objectified" ako. trauma.iyon na lamang siguro ang masasabi ko.

-isang buong linggo akong wala sa dorm namin. ang ibig sabihin nito, isang linggo akong nag-uwian sa laguna. nakakapagod. araw-araw kang gabi umuuwi, galing sa biyahe. taposa pagdating mo sa bahay, hindi ka naman pupuwedeng matulog agad, dahil may requirements ka sa susunod na araw. at sa susunod na araw, gigising ka nang sobrang aga dahil kailangan mong makarating sa school para sa 7:30 am class mo. ang dahilan kung bakit ako nag-uuwian ay dahil sa medication ko. after-operation recovering kumbaga. at bukod pa riyan, namiss ko ang mga dormmates. mashado kasi na akong na-attach sa mga taong ito. sobrang unfamiliar nung feeling ko na hindi ko sila kasama pag-uwi, at ang masasabi ko lang, ang laki ng nagagawa ng isang linggo. pakiramdam ko, ang layo ko.

-hindi ko makain ang mga gusto kong makain. maraming bawal. puro gulay. gulay. gulay. gulay...

-sa pangakabuuan, hindi ko mapigilang maawa sa sarili ko. sobrang na-overwhelm ako sa mga nangyari sa akin. biglang nagbago ang lifestyle ko. pakiramdam ko noon, nag-iisa akong hinaharap ang mga nangyayari sa akin. ang nasa isip ko noon, sa katotohanan naman, ako lang naman talaga ang talagang nakakaintindi at nakakaalam kung gaano kasakit at kahirap ang sitwasyon ko. pakiramdam ko tuloy, wala akong makausap noon. pakiramdam ko noon, nag-iisa ako.

....

pero ngayong napag-isip-isip ko, sinayang ko ang dalawang linggo ng buhay ko. pinagod ko lang ang sarili ko. oo, totoo ang lahat ng mga nabanggit ko, pero kung tutuusin, nasasaakin naman talaga kung magpapaapekto ako. once in a while, mapapaiyak ka nalang talaga kasi mahirap nga naman ang sitwasyon mo. pero, puwede ka namang umahon mula dun sa pinagswiswimmingan mong kalungkutan bago ka pa malunod. puwede ko namang tingnan ang mga nangyayari sa akin sa ibang perspective. mashado kong iniisip na hiwalay ako sa tao dahil hindi nga naman nila ako naiintindihan, well in fact, may mga tao naman talagang umiintindi. sabi nga ng kaibigan ko, 'parating may makakausap', sabi ko sa kanya, 'pero hindi parating may makikinig', isang palatandaan kung gaano ako ka-malungkutin at negatibong tao. ang mali ko siguro, hindi ako kumausap para malaman kung may makikinig...

napag-isip-isip ko lang, ang dami-dami-dami-dami kong dapat ipagpasalamat. at ang sama-sama-sama-sama kong tao para hindi mabigyang halaga ang mga bagay at mga taong iyon. dapat nagpapasalamat ako dahil benign ang cancer na nakita sa akin. dapat nagpapasalamat ako dahil nanalo ang ateneo sa uaap basketball. dapat magpasalamat ako dahil may pamilya akong nariyan na sumusuporta at nagaalaga sa akin. dapat magpasalamat ako dahil nariyan ang mga kaibigan kong walang sawang nagpapatawa sa akin at nagpapakita ng mga kababawan at kasiyahan ng buhay. dapat magpasalamat ako sa mga dorm mates ko at ang "the gang" na nariyan lang para yakapin ako kahit na wala naman akong sinasabing dahilan kung bakit ako nagpapayakap. dapat magpasalamat ako sa mga orgmates ko (sa gabay, sa aches, at sa yfc) na walang sawang bumabati sa akin kapag nagkikita kami sa mga hallways kahit na nakasimangot ako at hindi ako kasing masiyahin di tulad ng mga bati nila sa akin. dapat akong magpasalamat sa mga judo teammates ko dati na nagmamalasakit na kumustahin ako at yayain ako sa kanilang send-off dinner na hindi ko man lang napuntahan dahil sa operasyon ko. dapat akong magpasalamat sa mga teacher ko, dahil binibigyan nila akong ng pagkakataong matututo at naglalaaan sila ng oras para ibahagi ang mga kaalaman nila, at nagtiyatiyaga sila sa aking mga kalokohan at kapasawayan bilang isang etudyante. dapat akong magpasalamat sa Kanya dahil kung hindi dahil sa Kanya, wala ako sa mundong ito at hindi ko mapapasalamatan at mararanasan ang mga bagay na dapat kong ipagpasalamat.

SALAMAT PO.

ngayon ko nararamdaman na sobrang blessed akong tao.

kapag binabalikan ko at binasabasa kong muli ang mga blogposts ko, puro nalang lungkot, puro nalang sama ng loob. hindi masamang ipahayag ang sama ng loob, ang sakit na nararanasan mo sa buhay. sabi nga nila, iyong mga panahong iyon, higit na marami kang nasasabi at naisusulat sa blog mo. pero ang blog kasi, parang isang paraan para makita mo ang buhay mo. eh, hindi lang naman lungkot ang laman ng buhay ko. siguro, dapat simulan ko namang makita ang mga masasayang bagay na ito, at hayaan rin makita ng ibang tao.