A Change in Perspective

It really has been a while.

I can't remember the last time I ever felt so inspired to actually write something about my life. Heck I can't even remember the last time I ever wanted to really as in really seriously write a blogpost because I was actually feeling happy about myself. Usually, it's easier to write something when it's sad because the intensity of the drama would help you articulate things in such a strong and expressive manner. But to tell you the truth, I am feeling exceptionally happy today. Since yesterday actually. And strangely, there really hasn't been much exciting things happening to me that would help me explain my utter bliss and peace. It was actually one of my worst weeks ever.

I've definitely had better days. I missed several job interview calls. I got sick with the flu. I missed several quizzes this week. I missed my programming exam and networking job opportunity. I had major fail moments with my panel meetings for the organizations. I had petty quarrels with some of my friends. My thesis isn't really moving the way I wish it would. I have so many school requirements with the great fear of not actually graduating.

And to top it all off, I have myself to argue with being so insecure and unsure for the past couple of days. I've been struggling with making decisions for myself, with graduation coming to a close and this new chapter in my life is about to open, i'm just not sure if i'm courageous enough to finally commit myself to something that I really want but suffer the repercussions and the uncertainties that come with it. I've been struggling between what I really want and what is being asked of me by other people, and what is really needed. It's not easy when your future is staring right at you and it's shouting "C'MON, DECIDE ALREADY!".

So yeah, I've had better days.

But with much pondering, and prayer, i've seent that maybe things aren't as bad after all. Now that i've thought about it, and maybe because I have calmed down from all the stress, it's not really as devastating.

My situation isn't really like anything that's been happening to those people who are in Egypt right now, or those who just survived the Navotas tragedy, or those children who walk around the streets to beg people for food and just an ounce of time to just get to know them. I guess it's so unfair for me to even think that i've been having a very bad day, when they've experienced so much worse. It's not that i'm trying to make myself feel better because of other people's shit. It's just that I have better things to do than mope around and feel sorry for myself, when I have so much capacity to make things even better not only for me, but also for them. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, there are just so many other things that are so much more important than my current concerns right now, and I can't believe that i've been so blinded by the superficialities of life, that I completely forgot. I guess I was too preoccupied and worried about the wrong things. Maybe the answer's just so simple, and maybe I need not over-think things too much.

Some of the problems that I have are very temporary. In other words, i'll definitely move on and get over them. Like being sick, and school requirements. So I guess there's not much to fuss about.

As for my future, yes it's definitely scary, but I guess, choosing to take that leap will all be worth it, regardless if it'll be painful along the way. So right now, I choose both what I want, and what is being asked from me based on what is REALLY NEEDED. I still have many wants, and i'm now in the process of trimming them down and picking those that matter most. Nothing's final as of the moment, but i'm really glad to have been taking baby steps. Hopefully, i'll get there. Maybe by then i'll gain enough courage to make what I think are the right choices, and those that i'll be willing to stick with and fight for for the rest of my days.

With all these realizations, i've also discovered just now that i've been very lucky to be surrounded with sensible and mature people, and very supportive ones at that. They make all the struggle and sad times worthwhile and bearable. I'm just really happy to have a great family, an awesome set of friends and loved-ones, and of course Him. For a very long time, i've been trying so hard to prove that I am worthy to be loved and be taken cared of. But now I realize that I really shouldn't be trying that hard. I've also realized that i've been so unfair to them for making things extra difficult, when it's an unnecessary burden for us. I'm glad to have rid myself of that weight.

I've experienced a lot of changes in perspective these past 7 days. I realized my life isn't perfect, but it's definitely a work in progress. Learning to be more is truly a blessing. Everything WILL fall into place. I hope for it.

I wish I could've said something, or given you a hug, or maybe a simple smile or maybe just a thank you.

And now it's just too late.

I will forever miss you.

Said goodbye to Toshiba Global Recruitment. I don't know if it's the right decision, but I really don't feel my passion and direction for it. :(

Somehow I just don't feel it's the right choice.


I hope I don't regret this.

I'm in love with the wrong person.

F me.

Unspoken

I feel so misunderstood.

I'm surrounded by people who can be so judgmental.

Up to what extent would you listen to what other people are saying?

----------------------------------

I'm falling real hard, and you have no idea.

You'll probably never know.

I'm just so happy with you..-- it hurts to know that nothing will happen.

Oh well this is my curse.

Alive

It's amazing the comfort that you get from shedding much tears and spending almost the whole day and evening with the people who matter to you most. I've never felt so devastated and happy all in the same day.

I feel so alive. My heart has never beat this much for a while now out of emotions that feel so real.


I just realized today how human I am.

Insanity

WTF.

Lola's in the ICU.

This can't be happening. NOT NOW.


How can someone deserve this?

I told myself i'll try my best to always smile.

This just makes this more difficult.

:) :( :) :( :) :( :)

I'm insane.

Reopening for the nth time.

I always say that I want to start reusing this blog.

But why can't I finish









what I started.

Nakabibingi.

Nakabibingi.

Maraming nagsasalita, marami akong naririnig na tunog, ngunit wala akong maintindihan. Nakapanlulumong pilitin ang sariling maintindihan ang mga bagay na hindi (sa palagay ko) dapat pinag-uusapan. Masayang magkaroon nang paunti-unting kawalang-kahulugan sa mga pag-uusap. Pero kung parating kawalang-kuwentahan na lamang, nakakawalang gana makipag-usap at magsalita. So mabuti na lamang sigurong manahimik, at manood at bigyang kahulugan ang sarili na hindi kailanman maiintindihan ng iba.

Sa kasalukuyan, wala rin akong kamalayan sa kung ano nga ba ang dapat, kung ano rin ang hinahanap ko, o kung ano rin ang nais kong marinig. Puro kalabuan lamang ang laman ng katotohanan ko.


Kaya mainam marahil na manahimik at makinig at baka sakaling may marinig na rin ako.


----
Pagod na ako.

Kung alam niyo lang.

Mahirap pumasan ng mundo na hindi mo naman dapat pinapasan.

Introspection

"Anna, are you sad?"

I've been haunted by that question for the past 2 days now. After that signature analysis, I'm surprised at how simple strokes can have that much impact to my entirety.


Am I sad?

Maybe.

But I have glimpses of happiness in my life.

But is that enough?


Sometimes it really helps to hear it from other people for you to imagine how real it is. Sometimes you need other people to say it to you straight in the face because you'll realize that one of the hardest things to do is to face yourself and admit that there is something wrong. If it not for that night, I would've never known how much I've let my life pass by without me even noticing. It was a slap on the face, it hurts, yes, but feeling the pain makes the experience more real.

Now what's left, given that it's acknowledged, is to process and do something about it.

I just hope I find time to do this, fast.


Life's too short. Sayang ang panahon.

Reopening

I'm reopening this blogger account.

This will be epic.

This will be one of my feeble attempts to make sense out of this world, and maybe try to get a concrete sense of the escapist in me.

And maybe this is one of my attempts to bring back the cha that was lost in the midst of the chaos and the objectivities of life.


Welcome back chanthesse.

Back.

It's almost 2:00 am. Last time i checked the clock, it was only 12 am.

2 hours of experimenting (no, not in the chemistry lab sort of thing... something else..). Talk about unproductivity. But then again, i realized certain things.

These past 3 weeks, I had been really confused about myself and what I feel.

But now I guess everything's clear. I'm not who I think I am. Thank goodness..

I went to Fr. Ben's and Mr. Rene San Andres' leadership forum. I learned a lot. And in a sense, I was affirmed after the past doubts I have about my leadership and maturity about certain things.

Two reports POS 100 and Ch136. Both ok... Both crammed. But I couldn't have crammed any better. Best cramming experience ever.

Overall, I'm quite speechless of what's been happening in my life at the moment.
Too much mixed emotions. Too much complications. Too many misinterpretations.


---- I love being vague and random. I missed this.

Mageemo lang ako. ngayon lang, pagbigyan niyo na ako.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

YOU CALL YOURSELVES MY FRIENDS?!

WHATEVER.

I'll do this, alone.

ARRRRGH.

hai.

because I was too busy.

while browsing through my planner, my multiply contacts, and friendster friends list, I suddenly realized something...


There were A LOT of friends whom I forgot to greet last 2008! of course, it wouldn't take much of a genius to figure that every year my friends would celebrate their birthdays. And sometime during the year, there would be one day that I'd be greeting them a happy birthday! But there were very few moments those words came out of my mouth, or my pen, or my cellphone.

I suddenly felt I've grown apart from a lot of people. Those that I usually talked to when I was in highschool, I absolutely have no idea what's been going on with their lives.

These are moments when I begin checking on my priorities.

It's been more than a year since I've seen any of my high school friends. So what happened with keeping in touch and friends forever? THEY were keeping in touch, while I was busy creating another world.

And that was MY mistake.

I hope more than a year of not talking didn't change much of anything. (asa pa ako.)

Hai, I miss people.

and I hope me saying BELATED HAPPY TO ALL OF YOU isn't too late.

here I end my year-ender posts

It's just a few hours before 2009.

Just a few moments left before i say goodbye to this one heck of a year. I don't want to reminisce. Whatever happened this year put me to where I am right now, whether it be downright tragic or exaggeratingly happy.

I've learned a lot, and I'm hoping to learn more.

I'm just thankful to have had experienced ALL OF IT.

As for new year's resolutions? I guess I'd be lying if I say I don't have any. I have a LOT. But I'd rather keep that to myself, for now.


Although there is one thing I would really want to happen this 2009,

and that is,


to live like I have never lived before.



Too much?

Nah, I don't think so...


That's what were struggling to do every day...



A happy and prosperous 2009 to everyone!

Cheers!

here i begin my year end posts.

Because I got a lot of things to do, and I got bored doing them. haha.


Got this from Troy and Meryl.

Where did you begin 2008?
Bel-air drive, outside our house in Laguna.

What was your status by Valentine's day of 2008?
Single and very very happy.

Did you have to go to the hospital?
i was sent to the hospital for asthma attacks, a tension strain on my neck, and a biopsy surgery.
SO YES. I had to go to the hospital.

Did you have any encounters with the police?
none.

What did you purchase over $500?
i don't have that much money.

Did you know anybody who got married?
other than celebrities, no one close to me or my family.

Did you know anybody who passed away?
no relatives, but a lot of close family friends. especially during the months of October and November.

What sporting events did you attend?
UAAP. the best was the championship game of Ateneo - La Salle.

What concerts/shows did you go to?
gigs here and there, but no major concert

Where do you live now?
New house in Laguna. Still in Laguna Bel-air, but in a different Phase.

Describe your birthday.
Spent the whole day at our house. It was surprising that classes were suspended. Just with family, my tita and her children from the states.

What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did?
quit the ateneo judo team. :(

Any new additions to your family?
hm, none that I know of. haha.

What was your best month?
December! :)

Who was your best drinking buddy?
buddies in my case: Lean Mari M. Cauilan, ACheS EB (lahat sila! i won't name names. hahaha! mga laklakero!), Maria Sophia de la Paz, Kristine Haizell S. Anore (although not much itong si Haiz this year.)

Made new friends?
Yes yes yes! maraming maraming marami!

Any regrets?
A lot of regrets this year. Don't know where to start. (or where to end.)

What do you want to change in 2009?
My attitude and views toward life. I was very stubborn this year. I was highly pessimistic. I always felt that life was unfair towards me. Especially with all the misfortunes that I had this year. It was hard to have a positive view point about life. Maybe by changing this, things wouldn't seem so bad after all. According to my friend (who got it from some other person) "you carry your own weather".

Overall, how would you rate this year?
6. It's pretty obvious why.

Have any life changes in 2008?
too many to mention. the only constant thing in life is change.

Get a new job?
For 2009? am still thinking about it.

How old did you turn this year?
pretty old.

Did anything embarrassing?
nothing major. although i have a lot of embarrasing moments with my friends and family.

Get married or divorced?
I wish.

Be honest - did you watch American Idol?
via you tube. no television in our dormitory.

Start a new hobby?
nope. But I lost a lot of hobbies. unless you consider Orgs and School as hobbies, then yes!

Are you happy to see 2008 go?
YES! bye.

Drank Starbucks in 2008?
yes! and the most memorable was when I drank with a. soph, we chatted for hours! (dahil hindi kami natuloy sa drews sa dami ng tao! hahaha.)

Been naughty or nice?
I choose or. haha.

What are you wishing for in 2009?
inner peace. (since world peace doesn't seem possible at the moment. haha)

to my horror.

I thought vampire stories were scary. This was even scarier.

I remembered when me and my roommate were laughing about making a tagalog version of Twilight. The ideas were just waltzing in our heads. We were trying to figure out who the perfect Edward Cullen and Bella Swan would be. The names Richard Gutierrez, Angel Locsin, Denise Trillo, Katrina Halili, Piolo Pascual popped out of our conversation every once in a while. We were hysterical. We thought it was funny. But when I saw this, nope, not funny at all:




what the hell is wrong with you people!?!? How can you even think about...arrrgh!?!? (sorry, speechless due to utter disbelief!) The whole world is going to react to this. Although ABS-CBN was licensed and has legally bought the production of this film, I still can't believe they pushed through with this idea. Why do Filipinos love to have their own version of something. Can't we just be original every once in a while?

So much for me and my roommates laughing fantasies. It suddenly became frightening.

vague.

first time kong mangatog dahil sa sobrang takot.

nanginginig ang aking buong katawan...

seryoso.

narealize ko...

ang hina ko na.

kasisimula pa lang ng sem, may doubts na ako sa sarili ko. kinakain ako ng mga negative thoughts ngayon.

kailangan kong maging matapang.

kailangan ko ng tulong.

kailangan.

no regrets.

lumabas na ang mga grades.

and I'm satisfied. :)

i couldv'e done better pero no room for regrets.

marami akong natutunan sa nakaraang sem,

at marami akong ipinagpapasalamat.

bawi.

may 5 sem at dalawang summer pa ako para makabawi. (ang konti nalang pala...)

yun lang. hehe.

nang chumismis ako.

nandito ako sa ateneo, nag-aaral, o akala ko lang na nag-aaral ako.

chumismis ako kanina (yes, nahawa na ako sa chismis powers ni hannah. hehe.) sa isang grupo ng mga tao sa may sec benches malapit sa ctc (sa mga hindi nakaka-alam, ang ctc at sec ay building sa ateneo)

lalaki: bakit naman ako mag-aaral?

babae: kasi nasa school ka. ano pa bang gagawin mo dito?...

napaisip ako. natawa at naiyak sa loob-loob ko.

oo nga naman. pero, yun lang ba talaga yun?...

ang tanong, ano ba dapat talaga ang pinag-aaralan mo sa ateneo? ano ba talaga ang dapat matutunan? or.. ano ba yung mahalagang matutunan?...

ano ba ang magiging mahalaga sa hinaharap?...