A Change in Perspective

It really has been a while.

I can't remember the last time I ever felt so inspired to actually write something about my life. Heck I can't even remember the last time I ever wanted to really as in really seriously write a blogpost because I was actually feeling happy about myself. Usually, it's easier to write something when it's sad because the intensity of the drama would help you articulate things in such a strong and expressive manner. But to tell you the truth, I am feeling exceptionally happy today. Since yesterday actually. And strangely, there really hasn't been much exciting things happening to me that would help me explain my utter bliss and peace. It was actually one of my worst weeks ever.

I've definitely had better days. I missed several job interview calls. I got sick with the flu. I missed several quizzes this week. I missed my programming exam and networking job opportunity. I had major fail moments with my panel meetings for the organizations. I had petty quarrels with some of my friends. My thesis isn't really moving the way I wish it would. I have so many school requirements with the great fear of not actually graduating.

And to top it all off, I have myself to argue with being so insecure and unsure for the past couple of days. I've been struggling with making decisions for myself, with graduation coming to a close and this new chapter in my life is about to open, i'm just not sure if i'm courageous enough to finally commit myself to something that I really want but suffer the repercussions and the uncertainties that come with it. I've been struggling between what I really want and what is being asked of me by other people, and what is really needed. It's not easy when your future is staring right at you and it's shouting "C'MON, DECIDE ALREADY!".

So yeah, I've had better days.

But with much pondering, and prayer, i've seent that maybe things aren't as bad after all. Now that i've thought about it, and maybe because I have calmed down from all the stress, it's not really as devastating.

My situation isn't really like anything that's been happening to those people who are in Egypt right now, or those who just survived the Navotas tragedy, or those children who walk around the streets to beg people for food and just an ounce of time to just get to know them. I guess it's so unfair for me to even think that i've been having a very bad day, when they've experienced so much worse. It's not that i'm trying to make myself feel better because of other people's shit. It's just that I have better things to do than mope around and feel sorry for myself, when I have so much capacity to make things even better not only for me, but also for them. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, there are just so many other things that are so much more important than my current concerns right now, and I can't believe that i've been so blinded by the superficialities of life, that I completely forgot. I guess I was too preoccupied and worried about the wrong things. Maybe the answer's just so simple, and maybe I need not over-think things too much.

Some of the problems that I have are very temporary. In other words, i'll definitely move on and get over them. Like being sick, and school requirements. So I guess there's not much to fuss about.

As for my future, yes it's definitely scary, but I guess, choosing to take that leap will all be worth it, regardless if it'll be painful along the way. So right now, I choose both what I want, and what is being asked from me based on what is REALLY NEEDED. I still have many wants, and i'm now in the process of trimming them down and picking those that matter most. Nothing's final as of the moment, but i'm really glad to have been taking baby steps. Hopefully, i'll get there. Maybe by then i'll gain enough courage to make what I think are the right choices, and those that i'll be willing to stick with and fight for for the rest of my days.

With all these realizations, i've also discovered just now that i've been very lucky to be surrounded with sensible and mature people, and very supportive ones at that. They make all the struggle and sad times worthwhile and bearable. I'm just really happy to have a great family, an awesome set of friends and loved-ones, and of course Him. For a very long time, i've been trying so hard to prove that I am worthy to be loved and be taken cared of. But now I realize that I really shouldn't be trying that hard. I've also realized that i've been so unfair to them for making things extra difficult, when it's an unnecessary burden for us. I'm glad to have rid myself of that weight.

I've experienced a lot of changes in perspective these past 7 days. I realized my life isn't perfect, but it's definitely a work in progress. Learning to be more is truly a blessing. Everything WILL fall into place. I hope for it.

rants.

topic sa buhay ko ngayon: ang pagiging selfish.

haha. hindi ko pa maipahiwatig yung nais kong sabihin dito, pero ewan ko ba. haha. ang selfish kasi eh. haha. kulang sa simpatya, kulang sa pagiintindi ng iba, palibhasa, mashadong mahalaga ang sariling kagustuhan.i'll elaborate on this, once na mahanap ko ang tamang mga salita. haha.

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masakit talaga ang maiwanan. umasa akong hindi ko na mararanasan pa ulit yung mga naranasan ko dati nung hindi pa ganon ka mature yung utak at puso ko, kaso, kapag may nakilala ka palang immature na tao or probably, iba lamang talaga ang pagpapahalaga, gugulo ang mundo mo. (oops, ang foul ko na ata.)

hindi ko ipagkakaila, nasaktan ako. naaalala ko pa dati, sabi mo, hindi mo gagawin sa akin yung pagkakamaling nagawa ng mga kaibigan ko sa akin noon. kaso sa nararamdaman ko ngayon, mukhang nagawa mo na, at parang higit pa ata sa level nila. haha. pero ayos lang. pinapabayaan naman kitang gawin kung ano yung GUSTO MONG GAWIN. ayoko lang marining sa iyo na sinasakal kita at kinokontrol ko ang buhay mo dahil kahit na masakit sa akin, hindi kita pinipigilang PUMILI ng mga taong nais mong makasama. haha. kala ko ang tibay na atin. alam mo yun, akala ko, hindi mo ako makakayanang bitawan ng ganon lang, pero nagkamali pala ako. binitawan mo ako. bale para na lamang akong timang dun na hindi bumibitaw sa iyo. hawak pa rin kita, kasi aaminin ko, mahirap para sa akin, dahil ako kasi, masasabi kong naiintindihan kita. eh sa kung gusto mong magkaroon ng maraming kaibigan eh. haha. kaso nakikita ko na higit na mas mahalaga para sayo ang SILA kaysa sa TAYO. haha. ewan ko ba. kala ko habambuhay na, kala ko hindi na talaga. haha. AKALA ko lang pala.

infairness, salamat ha. kasi sinasaktan mo ako. pero sa sakit na nararamdaman ko, natututo pa rin ako. haha. ayos na sa akin iyon. pero sana may matutunan ka rin sa akin. haha. mananahimik muna ako. lalayo muna ako. tutal iyon naman ata ang dapat kong gawin para magkaayos KAYO. haha. nagpaalam ka pa sa akin, eh alam mo namang masakit. haha. ewan ko ba sa'yo. haha.

PINILI kita. kaso, hindi mo ako PINILI pabalik. haha. pero ayos lang. nandito lang naman ako eh. nakakalat lang ako. siyempr, basura lng naman ako na tinatapon tapon, tapos kapag hinanap mo, madaling makahanap ng basura eh, madaling pulutin, haha. ganun ang role ko. haha. basura ng mga tao. ang basura naman, bago maging basura, useful muna. haha. siguro ganon ako, pag nagamit na, pag nagawa na yung dapat kong gawin, tinatapon na lamang nang basta basta. kaya nga wala akong BESTFRIEND eh. or walang tumatagal sa akin. haha. may diperensya ata ako. haha.

haha. hai. ang bitter ko. ang sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit naman kasing talaga. (nafeel mo bang nasaktan ako?)

haha. wala atang nakakaintindi sa akin. oo wala. hindi naman kasi ako kaintindi intindi eh. kaya nga ako namimisinterpret, kaya ako palaging may kaaway. haha. warfreak daw ako. haha. ayokong maniwala roon. i care. yun yun. kailan pa naging kasalanan ang pag-'CARE'. haha. hai.

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nakakainis ka pala, pinasok mo pa ang mundo ko. haha. ayan tuloy, yung mundo ko, naging mundo mo na. di bale, sayo na lamang ang mundo ko. tutal, hindi naman ata napansin ng mga tao sa mundo ko na naglaho na pala ako. haha. salamat sayo, inagaw mo na naman ang buhay at kaligayahan ko. di bale, bubuo na lamang ako ng panibagong mundo. kakausapin ko na lamang si god na tulungan akong mag genesis part 2. haha.

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hai. well. sama ng loob ko. sobra. haha. oh well. sana maintindihan ako ng nagbabasa nito. iyon kasi ang kailangan ko ngayon eh, yung iintindi sa akin.

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pasan

ok, so for the nth time, bothered na naman ako. haha. naaalala ko kanina nakausap ko yung nanay ko regarding sa stress na nararamdaman ko. hai. sabi niya mag relax daw ako kapag nasa dorm ako. ngayon na-realize ko na mahirap palang gawin iyon. lalo pa't kapag minsan ang dorm (or rather yung mga tao dun) yung nagdadala ng stress sa iyo. hindi ko nga maintindihan kung paano nagwowork yun eh. hai, siguro kasi pag stressed yung mga dormmates ko, nasstress na rin ako. eh madalas pa man din silang nasstress. hai. not to mention yung mga panahon din namang stressed din ako sa mga bagay bagay sa paligid ko. hai. ewan ko ba sa sarili ko. marahil kasi nais ko lamang na makatulong sa kanila, dahil mahalaga sila para sa akin. kaya para bang pasan ko ang buong mundo dahil pati yung mundong pasan nila ay pinapasan ko rin. so parang buong universe na siguro yung pasan pasan ko. kamusta naman ang balikat ko di ba?. hai. kasi naman ako, nagpapaka hero nalang lagi. ang gusto ko, in one way or another, may naililigtas ako. may naitutulong ako sa kanila. kaya tuloy ganito yung nangyayari sa akin. hai. kelan kaya darating ang panahon na ako naman ang ililigtas noh? lahat naman siguro ng mga super heroes may mga pagkakataon na kinakailangan rin nila ng mga heroes na magliligtas sa kanila. lahat naman siguro ng heroes may weakness. haha. wala lang, kung baga kay superman, nasaksakan na siguro siya ng kryptonite, at tinitiis niya na lamang siguro ang panghihina hanggang sa marating niya ang katapusan. well, siguro hanggang sa dumating ang magliligtas sa kanya. hai. nakakasawa rin kasi minsan na pasanin ang mundo ng iba. hai. sana may iba ring makatutulong man lamang sa akin na pasanin ang mundo ko. wala lang. ang masaklap pa roon, parang iba yung bigat nang mundo ko. or baka feel ko lamang iyon dahil ako yung may pasan. hay ewan ko ba.

hai.

iligtas niyo ako sa mundong pinapasan ko.