point sa buhay ko.

minsan talaga, mayroong point sa buhay mo na kinakailangan mong pumili at magdesisyon tungkol sa mga importanteng bagay.

sa akin siguro, maaari kong sabihing "crucial" ang mga pagkakataong ito sa buhay ko.

eto yung mga panahong inaasahan ko ang mga taong mahahalaga sa akin para tulungan akong makapagdesisyon. yun bang tipong makatutulong silang makapag-isip ako. pero siyempre hindi sila "biased" dun sa tingin nilang dapat kong gawin.

hai. eto siguro yung isa sa mga "point" na iyon sa buhay ko.

masaya ako, dahil nalaman kong may mga tao palang naniniwala sa mga kakayahan ko. pero nakalulungkot din namang isipin na mayroon rin palang hindi naniniwala. mayroon din palang "nagdodoubt".

alam ko, ako lamang ang nakakikilala ng lubos sa sarili ko, at alam ko na ako lamang ang tunay na makapagsasabing kaya ko. sa katotohanan, alam ko talaga. subalit, kapag nalaman mong may hindi naniniwala sa iyo, na may mapapabayaan ka kapag pinili mo ang isa sa isa, parang nakakapanghina ng loob.

nalaman ko rin pala sa "point" na ito sa buhay ko, na minsan kailangan mong pumili sa pagitan ng kung ano yung gusto mo, at kung ano yung tama at higit na nakabubuting gawin. kahit na alam mong gusto mo at mapaninindigan mo ang desisyon mo, kapag naisip mo na taliwas ito sa ikabubuti at walang kasiguraduhan sa hinaharap (riskful, kumbaga),kailangan mong isakiripisyo yung gusto mo. masakit. masakit sobra. masakit talaga (naramdaman mo bang masakit?..). kahit na ba ilang beses mo ng naririnig sa sarili mo na "kaya mo naman! kaya mo!", kapag dumating sa punto na walang kasiguraduhan ang lahat, hindi sapat ang sabihing "kaya mo".

at nalaman ko rin sa "point" na ito ng buhay ko, na kapag nakapagdesisyon ka na, hindi mo na maaari pang bawiin. lalo na kapag kailangan mong "ipasa" yung desisyon mo. lalo na kapag may deadline yung desisyon mo. hindi mo na maaaring bawiin. kung yun na, yun na talaga. hindi na maaaring magbago. sorry ka nalang kung bigla mong naisip na mali pala yung naging desisyon mo. sorry ka nalang kung may biglang magtetext sa iyo na "ah, shit. kaya mo eh.". sorry ka nalang kasi hindi mo na maaaring bawiin yung desisyon mo. hindi na maaari pang baguhin. iiyak ka na lang kasi "narealize" mo na mali pala yung pinili mo. iiyak ka nalang. sa kaso ko, iiyak ng lang ako ng matagal na matagal na panahon.

mali ang naging desisyon ko. sa palagay ko mali. mali talaga. nagpadala kasi ako eh. sana napanindigan ko. sana hindi ako napanghinaan ng loob. sana naniwala ako sa kaya kong gawin. sana naisip ko na baka makabubuti rin iyon kahit "riskful". sana naisip ko rin yung ibang taong naniniwala sa akin. sana naisip ko rin yung sarili ko kahit ngayon lang. sana pinili ko yung gusto ko.

hai. puro nalang naman "sana".

hanggang "sana" nalang.

di bale.

iiyak nalang ako.

tigang mula sa kasawaing palad.

nakaiinis ang araw na ito.

naguumapaw ang sama ng loob dahil sa mga hindi inaasahang pangyayari.

hindi ko mahinuha kung ano ang mga naging pagkukulang ko.

wala naman akong iba pang maaaring sisihin sa mga nangyari ngayon.

ako lamang talaga.

ako.

hai.

ang hirap talagang tanggapin.

bawi.

babawi na lamang ako.

marami pang pagkakataon.

marami pang panahon.

...

sana.

ayoko nang uminom ng gamot

sa pagbuka ng aking bibig, sa paghulog ng tabletas, sa paginom ng tubig, at sa paglunok, unti unti kong nararamdaman ang pag agos ng tubig kasama ng gamot sa akin lalamunan. kasabay ng pag agos na ito ang panalangin na sana'y pagbigyan ako ng pagkakataon na sana'y gumaling na ako sa karamdamang ito.

mula pa aking pagkabata, tinuruan na ako ng aking mga magulang na uminom ng gamot tuwing magkakasakit ako. ayon sa kanila, ang gamot daw ay makatutulong para gumaling ang sakit. aasahan naman na dahil bata pa nga ako at walang kamuwang muwang sa mundo, susunod ako sa sinasabi ng aking mga magulang, kung kaya naman naniwala ako sa kanila at umiinom ako ng gamot kapag nagkakasakit ako. naisip ko naman noon na gumagaling naman ako kapag umiinom ako ng gamot.

ngayon, matanda na ako (oo, matanda na ang disiotso), napagtanto ko na hindi naman pala nakapagpapagaling ang gamot. sa tuwing lulunok ako ng tabletas, capsule, o kaya naman syrup, higit kong nararamdaman ang sakit ko. hindi ko nararamdamang humuhupa ang sakit, hindi ko nararamdamang gumagaan ang pakiramdam ko. nararamdaman kong kinakain ako ng karamdaman. pakiramdam ko, unti-unting inuubos ng gamot ang lakas ko at ang aking kagustuhang mabuhay sa mundo. pakiramdam ko, hindi nahihilom ng gamot ang sugat na dulot ng sakit ng aking katawan, ng aking kalooban, ng aking kaluluwa.

kaya ngayon, ayoko nang uminom ng gamot.

nagkakasakit lamang ako lalo.

pasan

ok, so for the nth time, bothered na naman ako. haha. naaalala ko kanina nakausap ko yung nanay ko regarding sa stress na nararamdaman ko. hai. sabi niya mag relax daw ako kapag nasa dorm ako. ngayon na-realize ko na mahirap palang gawin iyon. lalo pa't kapag minsan ang dorm (or rather yung mga tao dun) yung nagdadala ng stress sa iyo. hindi ko nga maintindihan kung paano nagwowork yun eh. hai, siguro kasi pag stressed yung mga dormmates ko, nasstress na rin ako. eh madalas pa man din silang nasstress. hai. not to mention yung mga panahon din namang stressed din ako sa mga bagay bagay sa paligid ko. hai. ewan ko ba sa sarili ko. marahil kasi nais ko lamang na makatulong sa kanila, dahil mahalaga sila para sa akin. kaya para bang pasan ko ang buong mundo dahil pati yung mundong pasan nila ay pinapasan ko rin. so parang buong universe na siguro yung pasan pasan ko. kamusta naman ang balikat ko di ba?. hai. kasi naman ako, nagpapaka hero nalang lagi. ang gusto ko, in one way or another, may naililigtas ako. may naitutulong ako sa kanila. kaya tuloy ganito yung nangyayari sa akin. hai. kelan kaya darating ang panahon na ako naman ang ililigtas noh? lahat naman siguro ng mga super heroes may mga pagkakataon na kinakailangan rin nila ng mga heroes na magliligtas sa kanila. lahat naman siguro ng heroes may weakness. haha. wala lang, kung baga kay superman, nasaksakan na siguro siya ng kryptonite, at tinitiis niya na lamang siguro ang panghihina hanggang sa marating niya ang katapusan. well, siguro hanggang sa dumating ang magliligtas sa kanya. hai. nakakasawa rin kasi minsan na pasanin ang mundo ng iba. hai. sana may iba ring makatutulong man lamang sa akin na pasanin ang mundo ko. wala lang. ang masaklap pa roon, parang iba yung bigat nang mundo ko. or baka feel ko lamang iyon dahil ako yung may pasan. hay ewan ko ba.

hai.

iligtas niyo ako sa mundong pinapasan ko.

well, there was a certain someone who asked me to update my blog. haha. at least im happy to know that someone still appreciates my rants despite the boredom that it might inflict on those that even dare to read them. (haha, actually, hindi niya naman talaga sinabi na magpost ako. more on naghint lang. at dahil assuming ako, magpopost na rin ako! hehe.)

ive been listening to the song 'boston by augustana' and 'home by michael buble' for over two weeks now.

here are the lyrics:

"Boston"

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

You don't know me, you don't even care...

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

"Home"

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home


i guess these songs served as an expression of what my current emotions are right now.

-ive been away from my family for so long already.

yup, its been i think three weeks (see, im even uncertain of how long it has been.) since i passed those gigantic trees, and the white rusty gate of ours in the bel air community. haha. i have my reasons for not going home. among the most evident would be the demands of my academic life, too much homework, long tests (2 na agad!!!), and papers (english, chem, and physics, hai.). but i suppose that this reason was just a small percentage of what my intentions were for not coming home. for one,i dont like the idea of some certain person staying there. she's been gone for almost my whole life then all of a sudden she intrudes in our family. i just couldnt stand the idea of her sending out mean feedbacks about my mom and my dad to think that they've been exerting all their efforts just to please her. i honestly dont want to see her. i dont even want to come near her, not even an inch. i cant even accept the fact that her blood runs in my veins. (forgive me for being so harsh.) and i also cannot accept the fact that ive been forcing myself to be away from the people i love just because of her presence. i really really miss my mom, my dad, my brother, and my sister. i cannot believe that they've been really far from me (literally and figuratively) especially during this time period when i extremely need their presence. i really miss them. i really want to go home.

-i feel that ive been neglected and unappreciated by the ones i love.

i dont know. it seems that i have been exerting all my efforts to be a friend (or even more) to certain people, but it seems that they never seem to notice this. it feels as if it did not matter whether i'd be there or not. not even a simple hi or hello, nor a thank for my simple feats for them. i guess i have no impact to their lives. if my presence had no impact to them, what more to those people whom dont know me as much as these people do. it really hurts to think that my efforts have not been given attention to.

-i feel as if no one knows me

i suppose that this has been the most hurtful of all. even though i try to reach out and share my thoughts to certain people, it seems that they do not understand. they try to understand, however, they truly do not. i guess they dont know me. they could not put themselves in my shoes even once in a while. its sad to think that certain people judge me, to think that they dont even know me, more so when those people whom are closest to me seem to not really know me at all. i honestly do need someone to talk to, or at least have someone who would sympathize and empathize with me, however, ive been fearful of expressing my thoughts and emotions.

i really do just want to runaway. i want to run as fast and as far away as possible where im a total stanger to everyone around me. i want to forget all the pain and the hurt that inflicted me. i want an easy way out to all my problems and my stresses. i want another chance to look for the things that i see are missing in my life. i want to meet knew people. i want to have a chance to be a different person altogether.

but then again,

reality would never let me.

i guess that's why i just listen to these songs.

because then in those few minutes of tracks,

i get to change my reality.

inevitable.

its funny how things change in just a split second. (well maybe not a second, maybe a few hours, a day or two.) by thing i mean several different aspects like your emotions, your thoughts, your mood, how you interact with people, your heartbeat, your movements, your friends, your physical feelings, your love for someone and all other your "type something here" that exists and is capable of change.

i observed this starting last night till tonight. (man, how i suck, ngayon ko lamang iyon na realize! how much of a loser can i get! haha.) well, i dont know. ive been seeing a lot of changes. well maybe i did not only observed it last night, maybe for the past couple of days. i dont know. it feels really odd, one day your just having fun with your friends, then all of a sudden you're like aliens with each other. i cant understand how that really goes but it really sucks to think that things work out that way.

as for moods, there is what one calls a moodswing. but i honestly cant imagine how one can have 5 different moods in just 2 hours. haha. (sorry. grabe ka naman kasi. or grabe ako. haha. or grabe tayo! hai!)

as for the love for someone, it fluctuates like crazy! maybe because of several factors like jealousy, et. al. haha. one moment you love him, then all of a sudden you hate him so much.

as for interaction with other people. one time your with someone then after a few minutes your with a different person. i think i see the disadvantages of this. there is a saying of "quality over quantity". i think this situation applies to this. id rather be with the same people and build deep relationships with them than to be with countless numbers of people and just maintain a shallow relationship. (as in yung tawa nalang ng tawa. hai. ewan ko. iba siguro definition ko ng relationship and friendship.) well, im not capable of muti tasking with everyone, cause the way i see it, you cant have all of them, there will always be sacrifices.

as for thoughts, i suppose it never became constant. after thinking of something, it changes to another something, and back to the other something, and then a new something again. i dont know if im crazy or anything but its just that i have a lot of things in my head right now that i find it hard to focus on one thought, there always has to be change, and my head cant stop thinking.

and as for those " all other 'things' " , well, id rather not mention them. itd be too long of a list and meaning more consumed time for you readers. haha.

well. changes do occur, even in the shortest intervals, and in the most unexpected moments.

and no matter how you try to avoid it.
there will always be changes.

like now.

.