pasan

ok, so for the nth time, bothered na naman ako. haha. naaalala ko kanina nakausap ko yung nanay ko regarding sa stress na nararamdaman ko. hai. sabi niya mag relax daw ako kapag nasa dorm ako. ngayon na-realize ko na mahirap palang gawin iyon. lalo pa't kapag minsan ang dorm (or rather yung mga tao dun) yung nagdadala ng stress sa iyo. hindi ko nga maintindihan kung paano nagwowork yun eh. hai, siguro kasi pag stressed yung mga dormmates ko, nasstress na rin ako. eh madalas pa man din silang nasstress. hai. not to mention yung mga panahon din namang stressed din ako sa mga bagay bagay sa paligid ko. hai. ewan ko ba sa sarili ko. marahil kasi nais ko lamang na makatulong sa kanila, dahil mahalaga sila para sa akin. kaya para bang pasan ko ang buong mundo dahil pati yung mundong pasan nila ay pinapasan ko rin. so parang buong universe na siguro yung pasan pasan ko. kamusta naman ang balikat ko di ba?. hai. kasi naman ako, nagpapaka hero nalang lagi. ang gusto ko, in one way or another, may naililigtas ako. may naitutulong ako sa kanila. kaya tuloy ganito yung nangyayari sa akin. hai. kelan kaya darating ang panahon na ako naman ang ililigtas noh? lahat naman siguro ng mga super heroes may mga pagkakataon na kinakailangan rin nila ng mga heroes na magliligtas sa kanila. lahat naman siguro ng heroes may weakness. haha. wala lang, kung baga kay superman, nasaksakan na siguro siya ng kryptonite, at tinitiis niya na lamang siguro ang panghihina hanggang sa marating niya ang katapusan. well, siguro hanggang sa dumating ang magliligtas sa kanya. hai. nakakasawa rin kasi minsan na pasanin ang mundo ng iba. hai. sana may iba ring makatutulong man lamang sa akin na pasanin ang mundo ko. wala lang. ang masaklap pa roon, parang iba yung bigat nang mundo ko. or baka feel ko lamang iyon dahil ako yung may pasan. hay ewan ko ba.

hai.

iligtas niyo ako sa mundong pinapasan ko.

well, there was a certain someone who asked me to update my blog. haha. at least im happy to know that someone still appreciates my rants despite the boredom that it might inflict on those that even dare to read them. (haha, actually, hindi niya naman talaga sinabi na magpost ako. more on naghint lang. at dahil assuming ako, magpopost na rin ako! hehe.)

ive been listening to the song 'boston by augustana' and 'home by michael buble' for over two weeks now.

here are the lyrics:

"Boston"

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

You don't know me, you don't even care...

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

"Home"

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home


i guess these songs served as an expression of what my current emotions are right now.

-ive been away from my family for so long already.

yup, its been i think three weeks (see, im even uncertain of how long it has been.) since i passed those gigantic trees, and the white rusty gate of ours in the bel air community. haha. i have my reasons for not going home. among the most evident would be the demands of my academic life, too much homework, long tests (2 na agad!!!), and papers (english, chem, and physics, hai.). but i suppose that this reason was just a small percentage of what my intentions were for not coming home. for one,i dont like the idea of some certain person staying there. she's been gone for almost my whole life then all of a sudden she intrudes in our family. i just couldnt stand the idea of her sending out mean feedbacks about my mom and my dad to think that they've been exerting all their efforts just to please her. i honestly dont want to see her. i dont even want to come near her, not even an inch. i cant even accept the fact that her blood runs in my veins. (forgive me for being so harsh.) and i also cannot accept the fact that ive been forcing myself to be away from the people i love just because of her presence. i really really miss my mom, my dad, my brother, and my sister. i cannot believe that they've been really far from me (literally and figuratively) especially during this time period when i extremely need their presence. i really miss them. i really want to go home.

-i feel that ive been neglected and unappreciated by the ones i love.

i dont know. it seems that i have been exerting all my efforts to be a friend (or even more) to certain people, but it seems that they never seem to notice this. it feels as if it did not matter whether i'd be there or not. not even a simple hi or hello, nor a thank for my simple feats for them. i guess i have no impact to their lives. if my presence had no impact to them, what more to those people whom dont know me as much as these people do. it really hurts to think that my efforts have not been given attention to.

-i feel as if no one knows me

i suppose that this has been the most hurtful of all. even though i try to reach out and share my thoughts to certain people, it seems that they do not understand. they try to understand, however, they truly do not. i guess they dont know me. they could not put themselves in my shoes even once in a while. its sad to think that certain people judge me, to think that they dont even know me, more so when those people whom are closest to me seem to not really know me at all. i honestly do need someone to talk to, or at least have someone who would sympathize and empathize with me, however, ive been fearful of expressing my thoughts and emotions.

i really do just want to runaway. i want to run as fast and as far away as possible where im a total stanger to everyone around me. i want to forget all the pain and the hurt that inflicted me. i want an easy way out to all my problems and my stresses. i want another chance to look for the things that i see are missing in my life. i want to meet knew people. i want to have a chance to be a different person altogether.

but then again,

reality would never let me.

i guess that's why i just listen to these songs.

because then in those few minutes of tracks,

i get to change my reality.

waaaaah! nagwala na! haha!

ang lamig pala sa library kapag gabi. wala lang. nandito ako ngayon sa ateneo rizal library. nagmumuni muni. actually kanina ko pa gustong mapag isa at mag isip. kaso hindi pala iyon posible.

grabe, ang sakit ng katawan. katatapos lamang ng weights. then diretso sa acad meeting/snackout sa gabay. hm, hindi rin hectic noh? pero hindi naman sa sobrang nagrereklamo ako. choice ko namang umatend sa pareho. pero pagod talaga ako.

ayon. ano pa ba?

well, ang lungkot ko the past few days.

nagsimula ang lahat nung debut ko. hai. dont get me wrong, i like the idea na legal na ako at dumating naman ang mga taong nais kong makita roon, pero siyempre, marami pa ring kulang. basta, ang laki-laki nung kulang. hai. pero salamat pa rin sa aking mga magulang dahil alam kong pinaghirapan nila iyon. hai. pero ewan ko. minsan naiisip ko, sana hindi nalang ako nag-debut. hai.

ano pa ba?...

well, ewan ko. lately nasasaktan ako. most probably dahil sa mga nakikita ko. ayoko na maghintay. umasa pa ako sa wala. haha. ang tanga ko talaga. hai. kakainis naman kasi eh. hai. sinusubukan ko na lamang munang tanggalin ang thought sa sistema ko.

hm.

well wala pa akong matinong tulog. at siyempre, patong patong na gawain. pero well, wala naman akong karapatang magreklamo, dahil gaya nga ng sabi nila, pinili ko naman iyon.

hai.

namimiss ko na nga pala ang mga magulang ko. at ang pamilya ko. happy birthday pala sa tita ko at sa kapatid kong babae. mahal ko kau.

hai.

salamat nga pala sa isang tao diyan na malamang lamang na hindi niya ito mababasa. haha. wala lang. natouch ako ngayong mga nakaraang araw. hai. kung meron man akong dapat ikasaya, eh dahil nandyan ka. at alam naman nating parehong kailangan natin ang bawat isa. hai. ipit nga lang ako sa sitwasyon. pero masayang masaya ako at nagpapasalamat. sana nandito ka ngayon sa library at pinakikinggan ang mga hinaing ko. hai. at alam kong pagod ka rin, pero kakayanin mo iyan. nandito ako. at im sure, makikita mo rin ang hinahanap mo.

hm.

nakakainis, wala akong maisip na topic sa english. kasi naman, wala akong alam sa mga current issues. hai.

excited na akong magtraining ng judo bukas! maglalabas na lamang ako ng sama ng loob.

hai.

in fairness, kailangan ko ng kausap. haha, as in yung seryoso. ewan ko. kumuha na kaya ako ng personal shrink.

or magsisismba na lamang ako?

in fairness, miss ko na si Lord.

ewan ko. mashado kasing busy.

hai. RETREAT! haha. labo.

uy infairness nakakatulong pala itong tina-type ko ngayon. haha. nakagagaan ng loob. pero mas ok sana kung nagsasalita yung screen o kaya naman eh nayayakap ako nung screen. hai. i need a hug. hindi nga lang ata halatang ganung klase ako ng tao. haha.

o ayan, may nagtext. ay, globe lang pala. kala ko may nagmamahal. haha. asa naman. patay ang text life ko.

naku, bigla kong naalala na may test pala kami sa english bukas. haha. wala pa akong alam.

at nakakainis, ang bobo ko sa math at physics. sobra. mamatay na ako. haha.

kumusta naman ang self-esteem ko di ba?.. wala na. zero na. poof.!

haha. anlabo ko talaga.

nararamdaman kong namamanhid na ang kamay ko sa sobrang lamig. (anlabo ata nun. nararamdaman ang namamanhid. WEIRD!)

haha.

kailangan ko na palang ayusin ang mga bagay na gagawin ko.

hehehe.

hindi na ako magkanda ugaga sa kung ano ang uunahin eh.

hehe.

malapit na pala ang long tests. haha.

godbless na lamang sa akin.

shet. ang bobo ko talaga.

ang tanga ko pa.

ahaha. labo talaga.

hai. tama na nga. haha.


*ang labo ng post, pero siguro sobrang nag-make sense na rin. haha. labo. pero may sense. weeeee.. 8) *

hai...