Same old, same old.

Despite the numerous months that have passed, I realized that even if it seems that a lot of things have changed about me in terms of the tiny details of my person and my life, in retrospect, i haven't really gone anywhere, and i might just be the same person, i just have a more diverse set of experiences...

Outside my comfort zone, i'm forced to endure the pain, and make do of what I have and where I am, in order to fulfill His call for me, and that is to help and serve others, and share His love and life. It's exhausting when the world thinks and feels so differently.

I promise to love, no matter what.

I'm still overwhelmed.

Thank you Lord for loving me.

After spacing out while watching Thor, something hit me.

Hello real world. I finally signed that contract I've been praying for for days now, and then I have this strange feeling in my gut that after being so happy for a short time, and after getting what I want, I realized it's not as wow as I thought I would feel. I actually feel more uncertain about things and about my decisions. But then it hit me hard. Love. As cheeseballs as it may sound, I think that's the only answer. No matter how uncertain things feel, you love.

--

So this is what being unemployed feels like. I've only just graduated last Saturday March 26, 2011. I'm glad, the past couple of days came by so fast. Just to break it all down...

March 10 - 18
Silent retreat at the Mirador Jesuit Villas in Baguio City. 8 days of not talking and yet saying everything there is to say to yourself and to your God. It was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. It's not because i'm uncomfortable with the silence. Unexpectedly, i'm very attuned with it. The more difficult part was the confronting of oneself, and the pushing away of all anxieties and insecurities. Never in my whole entire life that I have felt so loved and ironically this was the only time that I was ever really alone. Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 139 with sum it all up. :)

March 19
Scholars-Benefactors get-together, and overnight at my house. Good food and good company! This was the day I was informed that I am now an AASA Execom. That was surprising. I'm torn with up to what extent should I be active. But then again, I guess it would be one way for me to give back. :) It was also a bonding evening with my COA barkada. SG-KL team. It's true what Bob said that evening that these people might just be one of my sure friends for life. :)

March 20
ADMU Bad-ass pictorial, Bukas Palad concert, EB food binge. Ateneo is really beautiful when it's quiet. So I guess students make it a little less beautiful. HAHA. I think most of our shots were illegal. Good thing the guards didn't see us. Bukas Palad as usual was awesome. I always get teary-eyed whenever I get to watch them perform. Got to see the EB, too bad Ara and Ken were not there. We ate at Gloria Maris shabu-shabu and went to Moksha as I got acquainted with something-Tiger (i really should remember the name of that drink, I finally met my match, one glass and I was tipsy, oh that's why I don't remember. haha). I'm sure i'll miss this passionate batch of leaders. I've learned so much from them. :)

March 21
Graduation practice, Banapple dinner, and block symposium. Grad practice was the usual. But it was less stressful than I expected. Banapple dinner with Joy was spontaneous as we got to talk about a lot of things about the future and well issues in life. She's been a huge blessing in my life. Don't know what I'd do without her in it. :) Block symposium was really fun. It was the first time I saw Henson drink. :))) A lot of funny stories. It was really nice to catch up. I don't regret staying with this block. I've been lucky to meet the most wonderful and simple people I know. :)

March 23
Heart to heart at the Gesu and Blue Roast
I feel lucky to have met and grown close to Ate Rica. :) I stand by the fact that she truly is one of the kindest blessing I've been given. I also gave my blue rose to Leo and finally I was able to tell him about my silly puppy love with him. Glad that's finally over. I still don't understand why people still need blue roses for them to tell someone you like them. Why not let things be spontaneous, or let it be that expressing yourself be normal and not be catalyzed by some kind of symbol.

March 26
GRADUATION! FINALLY :) I offer it to my family who gave their unwavering support for the whole 21 years of my life and my 5 years in the Ateneo. :) I will give back out of love. :)


So after graduating, here I am, making up for all the lost time of rest and sharing bonds with important people in my life. My only problem is, I can't take the fact that I am still jobless whilst I spend so much on dinners and gimmicks. Every single morning is uncertain. All I can do is surrender it all to Him.

It's 2am on a Saturday Morning, I just came from a movie with a friend, and I'm currently drinking my Raspberry Curant in front of Starbucks Eastwood. There's an influx of thoughts going through my head right now. Like how a simple facebook status can sometimes be a sign of insensitivity, or how 3 minutes can mean a whole new different life for you, or how a single person can single-handedly make you happy out of a hundred other known ones.

I never really have time to figure out these thoughts.

I hope my senior year would finish soon, so the understanding can come.

A Change in Perspective

It really has been a while.

I can't remember the last time I ever felt so inspired to actually write something about my life. Heck I can't even remember the last time I ever wanted to really as in really seriously write a blogpost because I was actually feeling happy about myself. Usually, it's easier to write something when it's sad because the intensity of the drama would help you articulate things in such a strong and expressive manner. But to tell you the truth, I am feeling exceptionally happy today. Since yesterday actually. And strangely, there really hasn't been much exciting things happening to me that would help me explain my utter bliss and peace. It was actually one of my worst weeks ever.

I've definitely had better days. I missed several job interview calls. I got sick with the flu. I missed several quizzes this week. I missed my programming exam and networking job opportunity. I had major fail moments with my panel meetings for the organizations. I had petty quarrels with some of my friends. My thesis isn't really moving the way I wish it would. I have so many school requirements with the great fear of not actually graduating.

And to top it all off, I have myself to argue with being so insecure and unsure for the past couple of days. I've been struggling with making decisions for myself, with graduation coming to a close and this new chapter in my life is about to open, i'm just not sure if i'm courageous enough to finally commit myself to something that I really want but suffer the repercussions and the uncertainties that come with it. I've been struggling between what I really want and what is being asked of me by other people, and what is really needed. It's not easy when your future is staring right at you and it's shouting "C'MON, DECIDE ALREADY!".

So yeah, I've had better days.

But with much pondering, and prayer, i've seent that maybe things aren't as bad after all. Now that i've thought about it, and maybe because I have calmed down from all the stress, it's not really as devastating.

My situation isn't really like anything that's been happening to those people who are in Egypt right now, or those who just survived the Navotas tragedy, or those children who walk around the streets to beg people for food and just an ounce of time to just get to know them. I guess it's so unfair for me to even think that i've been having a very bad day, when they've experienced so much worse. It's not that i'm trying to make myself feel better because of other people's shit. It's just that I have better things to do than mope around and feel sorry for myself, when I have so much capacity to make things even better not only for me, but also for them. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, there are just so many other things that are so much more important than my current concerns right now, and I can't believe that i've been so blinded by the superficialities of life, that I completely forgot. I guess I was too preoccupied and worried about the wrong things. Maybe the answer's just so simple, and maybe I need not over-think things too much.

Some of the problems that I have are very temporary. In other words, i'll definitely move on and get over them. Like being sick, and school requirements. So I guess there's not much to fuss about.

As for my future, yes it's definitely scary, but I guess, choosing to take that leap will all be worth it, regardless if it'll be painful along the way. So right now, I choose both what I want, and what is being asked from me based on what is REALLY NEEDED. I still have many wants, and i'm now in the process of trimming them down and picking those that matter most. Nothing's final as of the moment, but i'm really glad to have been taking baby steps. Hopefully, i'll get there. Maybe by then i'll gain enough courage to make what I think are the right choices, and those that i'll be willing to stick with and fight for for the rest of my days.

With all these realizations, i've also discovered just now that i've been very lucky to be surrounded with sensible and mature people, and very supportive ones at that. They make all the struggle and sad times worthwhile and bearable. I'm just really happy to have a great family, an awesome set of friends and loved-ones, and of course Him. For a very long time, i've been trying so hard to prove that I am worthy to be loved and be taken cared of. But now I realize that I really shouldn't be trying that hard. I've also realized that i've been so unfair to them for making things extra difficult, when it's an unnecessary burden for us. I'm glad to have rid myself of that weight.

I've experienced a lot of changes in perspective these past 7 days. I realized my life isn't perfect, but it's definitely a work in progress. Learning to be more is truly a blessing. Everything WILL fall into place. I hope for it.

I wish I could've said something, or given you a hug, or maybe a simple smile or maybe just a thank you.

And now it's just too late.

I will forever miss you.

Said goodbye to Toshiba Global Recruitment. I don't know if it's the right decision, but I really don't feel my passion and direction for it. :(

Somehow I just don't feel it's the right choice.


I hope I don't regret this.

I'm in love with the wrong person.

F me.

Unspoken

I feel so misunderstood.

I'm surrounded by people who can be so judgmental.

Up to what extent would you listen to what other people are saying?

----------------------------------

I'm falling real hard, and you have no idea.

You'll probably never know.

I'm just so happy with you..-- it hurts to know that nothing will happen.

Oh well this is my curse.

Alive

It's amazing the comfort that you get from shedding much tears and spending almost the whole day and evening with the people who matter to you most. I've never felt so devastated and happy all in the same day.

I feel so alive. My heart has never beat this much for a while now out of emotions that feel so real.


I just realized today how human I am.

Insanity

WTF.

Lola's in the ICU.

This can't be happening. NOT NOW.


How can someone deserve this?

I told myself i'll try my best to always smile.

This just makes this more difficult.

:) :( :) :( :) :( :)

I'm insane.

Reopening for the nth time.

I always say that I want to start reusing this blog.

But why can't I finish









what I started.

Nakabibingi.

Nakabibingi.

Maraming nagsasalita, marami akong naririnig na tunog, ngunit wala akong maintindihan. Nakapanlulumong pilitin ang sariling maintindihan ang mga bagay na hindi (sa palagay ko) dapat pinag-uusapan. Masayang magkaroon nang paunti-unting kawalang-kahulugan sa mga pag-uusap. Pero kung parating kawalang-kuwentahan na lamang, nakakawalang gana makipag-usap at magsalita. So mabuti na lamang sigurong manahimik, at manood at bigyang kahulugan ang sarili na hindi kailanman maiintindihan ng iba.

Sa kasalukuyan, wala rin akong kamalayan sa kung ano nga ba ang dapat, kung ano rin ang hinahanap ko, o kung ano rin ang nais kong marinig. Puro kalabuan lamang ang laman ng katotohanan ko.


Kaya mainam marahil na manahimik at makinig at baka sakaling may marinig na rin ako.


----
Pagod na ako.

Kung alam niyo lang.

Mahirap pumasan ng mundo na hindi mo naman dapat pinapasan.

Introspection

"Anna, are you sad?"

I've been haunted by that question for the past 2 days now. After that signature analysis, I'm surprised at how simple strokes can have that much impact to my entirety.


Am I sad?

Maybe.

But I have glimpses of happiness in my life.

But is that enough?


Sometimes it really helps to hear it from other people for you to imagine how real it is. Sometimes you need other people to say it to you straight in the face because you'll realize that one of the hardest things to do is to face yourself and admit that there is something wrong. If it not for that night, I would've never known how much I've let my life pass by without me even noticing. It was a slap on the face, it hurts, yes, but feeling the pain makes the experience more real.

Now what's left, given that it's acknowledged, is to process and do something about it.

I just hope I find time to do this, fast.


Life's too short. Sayang ang panahon.

Reopening

I'm reopening this blogger account.

This will be epic.

This will be one of my feeble attempts to make sense out of this world, and maybe try to get a concrete sense of the escapist in me.

And maybe this is one of my attempts to bring back the cha that was lost in the midst of the chaos and the objectivities of life.


Welcome back chanthesse.

Back.

It's almost 2:00 am. Last time i checked the clock, it was only 12 am.

2 hours of experimenting (no, not in the chemistry lab sort of thing... something else..). Talk about unproductivity. But then again, i realized certain things.

These past 3 weeks, I had been really confused about myself and what I feel.

But now I guess everything's clear. I'm not who I think I am. Thank goodness..

I went to Fr. Ben's and Mr. Rene San Andres' leadership forum. I learned a lot. And in a sense, I was affirmed after the past doubts I have about my leadership and maturity about certain things.

Two reports POS 100 and Ch136. Both ok... Both crammed. But I couldn't have crammed any better. Best cramming experience ever.

Overall, I'm quite speechless of what's been happening in my life at the moment.
Too much mixed emotions. Too much complications. Too many misinterpretations.


---- I love being vague and random. I missed this.

Mageemo lang ako. ngayon lang, pagbigyan niyo na ako.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

YOU CALL YOURSELVES MY FRIENDS?!

WHATEVER.

I'll do this, alone.

ARRRRGH.

hai.