stress.

i just realized na if ever na sa UP ako nag aral kung saan may CRS, sobrang sumuko na ako. grabe, ang bilis ko palang ma-stress sa mga ganoong bagay. ang bilis ko palang ma-stress sa mga bagay na sa tingin ko ay sobrang imposrtante, kagaya nga ng aking class schedule at program of study sa ateneo. well, i believe na its of great significance. hehe. (hindi naman siguro ako weird para sabihing importante iyon, eh hello acads at future ko ang nakataya roon). at gusto ko lamang maayos na ngayon pa lamang ang schedules para tuloy tuloy na sa registration, hindi iyong papupuntahin ka pa kung saan saan para maayos na. hai. buti na rin sigurong mastress ako ngayon at gumawa ng aksyon kaysa naman pagsisihan ko in the long run.

hai. stress.

salamat na rin siguro. (like i said in my previous post: i LOVE stress. haha.)

hang over.

im embarrased to say that i miss school. dont get me wrong, it has been a very hectic schedule, however, im not used to not doing anything. or im just not used to doing something that is without any extreme need or importance whatsoever. i know i know, im crazy right?

its already been the second day of my two-week vacation and i cant seem to adjust my body clock. ive been consistently waking up at 7:30 in the morning which was my usual wake up time during the summer classes in the dormitory. ive lost plenty of hours sleep during the summer, that i was planning to redeem during the vacation but it seems that in this rate, its not possible. what's even more weird, i want to read my chem 35 book, quantitative chemistry. oh skoog, how i miss thee!! and talk about shakespeare. i miss analyzing poems as well. 'why hast thou left me in despair?'. and i want to throw people around!!! (i miss judo!).

oh, summer, what hast thou done to me?

this is just too paradoxical. (it seems false, however, its true.)


what can i say, i LOVE stress. haha.

drizzles to miracles.

looking outside the window, a foggy sight and a damp atmosphere was evident with the up and coming rainy season (yes, its almost june.). the coming of the rainy season would mean goodbye summer, the sun , the heat, the white sand, and the refreshing beaches. this i saw as a chance wasted since i never actually went to a beach, make sand castles, and the like because of the hectic summer classes.

speaking of summer classes, im finally done! yes, never have i had such a busy time in my summer schedule. i recall my past summer experiences where i just vegetate myself at home with the lack of activities. now, in my college year, its a different case altogether.

ive survived six weeks of hell. (well, not everything was hell. part of it, i guess.)

never have i felt so exhausted. physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion could actually lead to someone's death. death in the sense that life seemed such a routine, such a burden, that it was as if there was no life at all. negativties can kill.

but then there is the magic of miracles.

its amazing how whenever God seemed so distant, He'd just be there waiting for you to call upon Him. miracles do happen even in the smallest details. in my case, i was revived, i was rejuvenated. i saw Him even when i was blinded by the darkness inside and outside of me. at the point that everything seemed so lost, everything seemed hopeless, and nothing made sense, He'd redo everything with a blink of an eye. He'd rearrange your life and make sense out of it. i guess that's what happens when you surrender everything unto Him. That even in the face of 'death', He'd be there, making a miracle.

wow, what a leap, from drizzles to miracles.

hm.

i guess they're connected. :)

.

hai. ngayon ko lamang na-realize na kapag sobrang depressed pala ang isang tao, nagiging speechless siya. at tsaka. wala siyang masabi. nagffreeze ang utak, ang lahat nga bagay at tao sa paligid niya, ang buhay niya.

hai.

...

.

closure.

oops. ngayon ko lamang napansin na super tagal na rin pala since nung last akong magpost sa blog ko. may 6 to may 18. hehe. antagal na rin. well. tinamad siguro ako. (trying to be honest here!!) or medyo nawalan ako ng budget for internet at oras na rin. hai. nako. hindi ko na tuloy naikuwento ang mga closure ko with people.

well.

eto na, ikukuwento ko na. super informal nitong kuwento kong ito.

hm. well. yung closure issue na fininalize ko nung april 10 2007 (ang tagal na talaga!), was about yung issue namin nung bestfriend kong lalaki noong highschool. well medyo nagkalabuan kami, imagine bestfriend ko siya for four years (since first year hanggang fourth year highschool), pero nung grumaduate kami at may sinabi ako sa kanyang hindi dapat sabihin ("mahal kita" haha.), nagkaiwasan kami for one whole year. bale buong first year college eh hindi kami nagusap or walang kahit anong form of communication from both of us. eh, napagisip isip ko lamang, na parang ang sayang ng apat na taon, at ang pagkakaibigan namin kung hindi ko gagawan ng paraan. narealize ko rin na i shouldn't have fallen for him in the first place, it was my fault, it time na mag move on na kami pareho sa problemang iyon. at narealize ko rin na wala na talaga, kaya parang hindi worth it na ma sacrifice ang friendship namin. kaya ayun, finally tinawagan ko na siya.

yung tawag na iyon eh long distance pa, tumawag ako from laguna. hehe. well. namiss ko kasi ang bez ko. as in yung kaibigan ko, hindi yung something more. narealize ko na higit na masarap ang feeling na mahal mo ang kaibigan mo bilang isang kaibigan lamang. kaya ayun. nagusap kami, nagkamustahan, at tinawanan ang nakaraan. hehe. hai. parang napaka normal na, yung tipong nung dati pa, na wala talagang ibang inaalala kundi ang pagkakaibigan. ang saya pala talaga, walang expectations sa bawat isa, walang madidisappoint. at mayroong pagkakaintindihan mula sa bawat isa.

kaya ayun, masaya naman ako sa kinalabasan nung closure namin. at masasabi ko na nag start-over na lamang kami, parang 5 years ago lamang ulit, kagaya nga nung first year high school pa lamang kami, only more mature. hehe. well. ang masasabi ko lamang, salamat bez, dahil binigyan mo ako ng isa pang pagkakataon para maipakita ko sa iyong kaibigan mo talaga ako. sana tuloy tuloy na ito. hehe. (as if mababasa mo ito, pero malay natin di ba? hehe.)

ayun.

:)

incoherent thoughts.

hm. napakalaki ng nagagawa ng isang hindi sinasadyang akbay at yakap sa pagtingin ng isang tao sa isang kaibigan. akala ko nung una, wala lamang iyon para sa akin, iyon pala'y mayroon.

nakakainis ang impulse noh? i mean, kapag may sudden jolt of action galing sa iyo na hindi mo aakalaing gagawin mo, yung tipong out of your character talaga. ang masaklap pa dun, you'll end up wondering kung bakit mo ginawa iyon at iisipin mong baka subconciously, yun talaga yung nais mong mangyari. hai, gaya nga ng yakap na iyon.

hai.

nakakainis nga rin pala ang chem. major ko siya, and yet, natatakot ako sa kanya. super nagdadala ng stress. hai. Lord, sana ma exempt ako.

nakakainis din ang play, ang daming kakabisaduhin. ok fine, gusto ko yung idea na aarte ako, pero hindi ko naman akalain na ganon ka raming lines ang kailangan kong kabisaduhin. hehe. well, goodluck na lamang sa play na iyon! hehe. (sino kayang manonood? hehe.)

hm, naeexcite na akong mag june 23! HEHE.

hai, gusto ko nang matapos ang summer classes, para makauwi na ako sa bahay namin at makapag aral na rin akong mag drive (as in yung formal driving lessons sa A1) hehe. wala lng, gusto ko talagang magmaneho eh, kahit wala kaming kotse, haha. anlabo.

hai. gusto ko na rin ng lablyp, panawagan sa mga artista diyan!! hehe jowks lng. pero i really miss the feeling na kinikilig ka. heheh. labo talaga.

gusto ko ng ice cream at cake ngayon! haha. ewan ko ba, ilang araw na akong nagccrave. grabe, now you know kung bakit ako ganito ka laki. hehe.

hm. well, ang saya mag judo at magweights. wala lang. mga perks ng varsity. hai. kaso nahihiya nga ako sa team eh, dahil madalas akong absent. kakainis naman kasi at laging late natatapos ang lab. or kung kailan naman ako puwedeng magpractice, ayaw naman ng katawan ko, either may masakit sa leeg or braso or sa kung saan man, or may unexpected na mangyayari. hai. gusto kong magwork hard para sa team, gusto kong masabi sa sarili ko na i really am part of it. pero sa mga nakikita ko ng nangyayari ngayon, parang hindi pa rin. gusto kong makabond ang team. hai. wala nga lang oras.

hai oras. sana hawak ko na lamang ang oras sa aking mga kamay. haii..

grabe. mashado na bang mahaba itong post na ito? hehe. grabe. super daloy ng kamalayan na naman ulit. para naman at least you can get an idea of what goes on in my head right now.. hehe.

incoherent grabe.

and that day.

i recall saying to my self, i wanted a fun summer for 2007. this however, was not humanly possible once your staying in the ateneo. i know you might be too sick of me ranting for two posts straight about how hell-ish (understated, i think.) my days (or weeks) are currently. well sorry, but i just cant help it. my summer dream turned out to be a nightmare (well not all of it, i guess. still 2 more weeks to count of, and of course, there were better days.).

(better days)

well there was labor day **** (and there is an internal conflict of whether to post the happenings of that date. haha.)

*ang labo ng post na to. haha. kinikilig ako. labo talaga.

just NORMAL.

alright. finally the blogger dashboard. ive been having a hard time accessing the net for the past couple of days. budget problems i guess? or maybe time management? or just the plain old sluggish syndrome.

so anyway.

what have i been up to lately?

well, nothing really. everything is just NORMAL.

haha.

id say its NORMAL that a friend asks me out for lunch at one very unexpected time.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i only get 4-5 hours of sleep a day over the past couple of weeks. to think that its only the second week of classes.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i feel so distant from my family ever since the start of the summer classes. its been so long since i felt that i was still a part of the family.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i close myself (my emotions, my transparency, my trust) from my friends. i cant seem to muster the courage to open up to the ones that i consider to be open to.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i cry almost every night and i find myself looking for a hug, but then i find no one.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i find myself inside the university chapel staring into blank space, asking the higher being what the HELL am I supposed to do in this world, and finding myself with no answer at all.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

id say its NORMAL that i see myself alone in the presence of a crowd, and i see only blurred faces, apparitions of someone abstract.

yep, that is just NORMAL.

so there.

everything's just NORMAL.

too much bullshit.

somebody told me "huwag mong pasanin ang mundo sa iyong balikat". "atlas" that's what they call me. although 'they' only consisted of two people, two people whom are very important in my life.

IMPORTANT. yes, when i say someone is important to me, it would only mean one thing, that this important thing/person/whatever means life and death for me. that bracket would include God, my family, my friends. which means, ang "pagpasan ko ng mundo sa aking mga balikat" are for them, and them only. i dont know if im being selfish or anything, but is it really that horrible to feel for someone else?

and for those people who say that im always stressed, yes your right i am. however, you have no right to hold that against me. you may judge me all you want, but you dont know what im going through right now. maybe you can laugh all you want, see life as one big game, but we have a different way of looking at things. me, stressing about things is my way, my formula to getting past through life and survive it the best way that i could possibly can. hope that before you even think about judging me of being stressed and too overly sensitive, try to be in my shoes once in a while. we meet different people, i try my hardest to flex for other people, maybe you can try flexing a little bit too.

(hai. sama talaga ng loob ko. sori pero eto talaga yung nararamdaman ko. feel free to comment on this post. i dont know. im just so fucked up right now. it hurts. it really does.)

*happy birthday margo.

nakakainis (napatagalog tuloy ako ng sobra sobra. kawawa na ang balarila! hehe.)

so bago ang lahat, bago ako magpost tungkol sa closure issues ko with some people, ishashare ko muna ang araw na ito, which is actually not yet over, haha.

hm, well release ng grades ko kanina, yun. eh well, masaya naman ako sa kinalabasan. pero super na-tetest ang aking patience at ang aking paagiging kontento sa mga bagay na binibigay sa akin. hope i could do better though. hai. which is my goal. at alam kong tutulungan ako ni Lord na maabot yun.

at kamusta naman ang kabadtripan ko sa mga taong nagpapasaway talaga. hai, grabe, ang tanda nyo na! magbago na kayo! sana alam nyo na kung kelan dapat maging ganyan. hai nako. kilala nyo kung sino kayo!

godbless na lang sa inyo.

well. godbless sa akin. ayun.

s-i-g-h (sorry henson, copyright.)

just a few more hours before i'd see that piece of dirty white paper...






s-i-g-h...



*up next, the closure issue. :D godbless sa release ng grades mamaya! *

kuwentuhan.

tuesday na pala. hindi ko man lang namalayan ang bilis ng oras. siguro dahil nagenjoy (?) rin ako sa bakasyong ito. halos dalawang linggo rin to. hindi na ako magrereklamo. ok na to, kaysa wala di ba?

ang bilis nga talaga ng panahon. dalawang araw na lang, release na ng grades. tatlong araw na lang, registration na for summer classes. anim na araw na lang, pasukan na naman,. hai. pagod at puyat na naman. at siyempre ilang linggo na naman akong mawawalay sa pamilya ko.

pero hindi naman sa panay malulungkot at negatibong bagay na lang ang kasabay ng pagdating ng summer classes ko. sa totoo lang, excited akong makita ang mga blockmates at dormmates ko. na-miss ko rin sila. at tsaka, looking at the bright side, mas magiging productive ang summer ko, kaysa naman nakakulong lang ako sa bahay at walang ginagawa di ba?

pero yun lang, medyo naparami ata ako ng gagawin. well tatlong subjects sa summer, 8 units overall. plus may judo training ng mwf at weight training ng tth. tapos plano ko pang kumuha ng summer job to help my family a bit. plano pa lang naman yun. ewan ko kung matutuloy. its not that im complaining. kasi hindi. masaya naman ako na maraming gagawin. i just hope kayanin ng katawan at utak ko. hehe.

so ayun. sinabi ko sa sarili ko na bibigyan ko ng closure lahat ng unfinished business ko with other people, beginning with those whom i turned my back on. so wish me luck. hehe. update ko kung anong mangyayari. so for now, eto muna. hehe. XD

brushing up on my history.

9.11.06 post from my old blogger. (just felt like brushing up on my history.)

mixed emotions are piling up. i've been exerting all my efforts to fall asleep just to rid myself of this disturbance. butterflies in my stomache keep churning. although, it is very clear to me. (cant say im not having the same feeling, especially right now, with days away to count off for the release of my final grades from last semester and my summer classes start a few days afterwards. mixed emotions are definitely piling up, although not that extreme. id give it 3 days more, then the churning may highten.)

our schedule was surprisingly accessible. classes start at 11:30 every monday and friday and ends at 4:30 in the afternoon. (ok so this 11:30 class was not really followed through because of the unexpected problem solving classes we were required to attend. fridays were the only actual day for an 11:30 class. which was quite convenient for rushing some deadlines and lab reports. so hurray for the friday 11:30 class! wee!) tuesdays and thursdays start at 9 in the morning and end at 2:30 in the afternoon. (this schedule was quite convenient. after the 2:30 class, me anf my friend would always enjoy the view of the ateneo football field with a cup of instant coffee in one hand. its nice to get away from the noise and the real world for a few minutes. hah. how much id miss those moments.) i think wednesday is the only day that's hectic because its a lab day! hell day starts ta 7:30 and ends at 4:30 where we only have an hour break. (i cant believe that hell day was as hell as wednesdays. i have never experienced anything much worse.) but at least it was better than the previous semester where we dont have a hell day but instead a hell week. haha *laughs at herself for that thought.* (now i'd definitely laugh at myself for having that thought. the load from the first semester was actually lighter than that of the second. hell months were the right term, not hell day, which was actually definitely much worse! [i love the sarcasm! haha.])

oh, i almost forgot to mention, i have a new dorm! yey! well, "yey" for the thought that my sanctuary was just walks away from school, but ofcourse moving to a new dorm would mean another adjusting period for me. well i hope this moving thing would be for the better. *sorry by the way to the one whom i left behind.sorry.hindi ko sinasadya* (my new dorm was actually great! never really did expect that to happen. at first, things were a little hard for me, since my roomates had their own clicks. im not really an expert in the friendly *pakapalan* moves, so its mostly an earphones-my own world sort of life for me in the dorm. but things got a lot better when one of my blockmates moved in. everything else followed. its basically an independent life [with your friends/fellow dormers to help once in a while], to the fullest.)

oh and another thing, my pe is judo! yey! i dont know if im excited or just plain scared! haha. (surprisingly, my judo pe experience was fun. never have i experienced being thrown by the whole class. and attending judo as my pe class opened a new door for me, a new adventure, judo as a lifetime sport, a loved sport, a varsity adventure in my 5 years of stay in the university.)

and im hoping to join the wbc. ive already had a scheduled appointment on monday plus a scheduled meeting for gabay at the same time interval! haha. ok. its official. i am going to die! (wbc, didnt turn out to be what i expected. sadly, my dream to become an ateneo lady eagle was short-lived. it was fun while it lasted though. i met a lot of new friends. but the very idea that it was a club and attendance to trainings were not required, but only for ethical and moral purposes, and i didnt quite find the fulfilment i was looking for, it made me set my priorities. sadly wbc was among those at the end of the list. i have issues, i guess. but i think those are things better left unsaid. as for my gabay and aches membership [my other two organizations], everthything was fine. but 'fine' wouldnt guarantee me of renewing my memberships to these organizations. i'll be thinking a lot about it come the after-summer-classes school break. didnt get the purpose of it all, which i think is a different story, and a different post all together. )

haha. (haha indeed. for the past couple of months of the 2nd semester, 'haha' was my mask of all the emotions i felt. again, another post for this one.)

oh well. butterflies. haha. (a yes. butterflies. but hey, butterflies fly away right? haha.)

rants:the beginning (or continuation?)

alright. presenting, (trumpet sound in the background)...

nah, never mind.

its the second installment of rants from yours truly.

it was only a few months ago when i decided to move out of the fifth estate, and maybe try to use a pen and a paper instead of hassling over the internet connection availability (dorm issues.). i was trying to run away from a lot of things, and among the solutions (or so it seemed during that time) was to erase my blogger account, or rather, change my blogger url and have it private where people wont have any access with my life and my thoughts (insecurities. again with the issues.).

but realizations hit me (too much mind work i think.)

or to cut the long story short, i missed it. a lot.

which brings me back to this post.

so anyway, this marks the beginning of my rants, or maybe a continuation, i don't know.

WE 'll just have to find out.

*happy easter guyz.