A Change in Perspective

It really has been a while.

I can't remember the last time I ever felt so inspired to actually write something about my life. Heck I can't even remember the last time I ever wanted to really as in really seriously write a blogpost because I was actually feeling happy about myself. Usually, it's easier to write something when it's sad because the intensity of the drama would help you articulate things in such a strong and expressive manner. But to tell you the truth, I am feeling exceptionally happy today. Since yesterday actually. And strangely, there really hasn't been much exciting things happening to me that would help me explain my utter bliss and peace. It was actually one of my worst weeks ever.

I've definitely had better days. I missed several job interview calls. I got sick with the flu. I missed several quizzes this week. I missed my programming exam and networking job opportunity. I had major fail moments with my panel meetings for the organizations. I had petty quarrels with some of my friends. My thesis isn't really moving the way I wish it would. I have so many school requirements with the great fear of not actually graduating.

And to top it all off, I have myself to argue with being so insecure and unsure for the past couple of days. I've been struggling with making decisions for myself, with graduation coming to a close and this new chapter in my life is about to open, i'm just not sure if i'm courageous enough to finally commit myself to something that I really want but suffer the repercussions and the uncertainties that come with it. I've been struggling between what I really want and what is being asked of me by other people, and what is really needed. It's not easy when your future is staring right at you and it's shouting "C'MON, DECIDE ALREADY!".

So yeah, I've had better days.

But with much pondering, and prayer, i've seent that maybe things aren't as bad after all. Now that i've thought about it, and maybe because I have calmed down from all the stress, it's not really as devastating.

My situation isn't really like anything that's been happening to those people who are in Egypt right now, or those who just survived the Navotas tragedy, or those children who walk around the streets to beg people for food and just an ounce of time to just get to know them. I guess it's so unfair for me to even think that i've been having a very bad day, when they've experienced so much worse. It's not that i'm trying to make myself feel better because of other people's shit. It's just that I have better things to do than mope around and feel sorry for myself, when I have so much capacity to make things even better not only for me, but also for them. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, there are just so many other things that are so much more important than my current concerns right now, and I can't believe that i've been so blinded by the superficialities of life, that I completely forgot. I guess I was too preoccupied and worried about the wrong things. Maybe the answer's just so simple, and maybe I need not over-think things too much.

Some of the problems that I have are very temporary. In other words, i'll definitely move on and get over them. Like being sick, and school requirements. So I guess there's not much to fuss about.

As for my future, yes it's definitely scary, but I guess, choosing to take that leap will all be worth it, regardless if it'll be painful along the way. So right now, I choose both what I want, and what is being asked from me based on what is REALLY NEEDED. I still have many wants, and i'm now in the process of trimming them down and picking those that matter most. Nothing's final as of the moment, but i'm really glad to have been taking baby steps. Hopefully, i'll get there. Maybe by then i'll gain enough courage to make what I think are the right choices, and those that i'll be willing to stick with and fight for for the rest of my days.

With all these realizations, i've also discovered just now that i've been very lucky to be surrounded with sensible and mature people, and very supportive ones at that. They make all the struggle and sad times worthwhile and bearable. I'm just really happy to have a great family, an awesome set of friends and loved-ones, and of course Him. For a very long time, i've been trying so hard to prove that I am worthy to be loved and be taken cared of. But now I realize that I really shouldn't be trying that hard. I've also realized that i've been so unfair to them for making things extra difficult, when it's an unnecessary burden for us. I'm glad to have rid myself of that weight.

I've experienced a lot of changes in perspective these past 7 days. I realized my life isn't perfect, but it's definitely a work in progress. Learning to be more is truly a blessing. Everything WILL fall into place. I hope for it.