A Change in Perspective

It really has been a while.

I can't remember the last time I ever felt so inspired to actually write something about my life. Heck I can't even remember the last time I ever wanted to really as in really seriously write a blogpost because I was actually feeling happy about myself. Usually, it's easier to write something when it's sad because the intensity of the drama would help you articulate things in such a strong and expressive manner. But to tell you the truth, I am feeling exceptionally happy today. Since yesterday actually. And strangely, there really hasn't been much exciting things happening to me that would help me explain my utter bliss and peace. It was actually one of my worst weeks ever.

I've definitely had better days. I missed several job interview calls. I got sick with the flu. I missed several quizzes this week. I missed my programming exam and networking job opportunity. I had major fail moments with my panel meetings for the organizations. I had petty quarrels with some of my friends. My thesis isn't really moving the way I wish it would. I have so many school requirements with the great fear of not actually graduating.

And to top it all off, I have myself to argue with being so insecure and unsure for the past couple of days. I've been struggling with making decisions for myself, with graduation coming to a close and this new chapter in my life is about to open, i'm just not sure if i'm courageous enough to finally commit myself to something that I really want but suffer the repercussions and the uncertainties that come with it. I've been struggling between what I really want and what is being asked of me by other people, and what is really needed. It's not easy when your future is staring right at you and it's shouting "C'MON, DECIDE ALREADY!".

So yeah, I've had better days.

But with much pondering, and prayer, i've seent that maybe things aren't as bad after all. Now that i've thought about it, and maybe because I have calmed down from all the stress, it's not really as devastating.

My situation isn't really like anything that's been happening to those people who are in Egypt right now, or those who just survived the Navotas tragedy, or those children who walk around the streets to beg people for food and just an ounce of time to just get to know them. I guess it's so unfair for me to even think that i've been having a very bad day, when they've experienced so much worse. It's not that i'm trying to make myself feel better because of other people's shit. It's just that I have better things to do than mope around and feel sorry for myself, when I have so much capacity to make things even better not only for me, but also for them. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, there are just so many other things that are so much more important than my current concerns right now, and I can't believe that i've been so blinded by the superficialities of life, that I completely forgot. I guess I was too preoccupied and worried about the wrong things. Maybe the answer's just so simple, and maybe I need not over-think things too much.

Some of the problems that I have are very temporary. In other words, i'll definitely move on and get over them. Like being sick, and school requirements. So I guess there's not much to fuss about.

As for my future, yes it's definitely scary, but I guess, choosing to take that leap will all be worth it, regardless if it'll be painful along the way. So right now, I choose both what I want, and what is being asked from me based on what is REALLY NEEDED. I still have many wants, and i'm now in the process of trimming them down and picking those that matter most. Nothing's final as of the moment, but i'm really glad to have been taking baby steps. Hopefully, i'll get there. Maybe by then i'll gain enough courage to make what I think are the right choices, and those that i'll be willing to stick with and fight for for the rest of my days.

With all these realizations, i've also discovered just now that i've been very lucky to be surrounded with sensible and mature people, and very supportive ones at that. They make all the struggle and sad times worthwhile and bearable. I'm just really happy to have a great family, an awesome set of friends and loved-ones, and of course Him. For a very long time, i've been trying so hard to prove that I am worthy to be loved and be taken cared of. But now I realize that I really shouldn't be trying that hard. I've also realized that i've been so unfair to them for making things extra difficult, when it's an unnecessary burden for us. I'm glad to have rid myself of that weight.

I've experienced a lot of changes in perspective these past 7 days. I realized my life isn't perfect, but it's definitely a work in progress. Learning to be more is truly a blessing. Everything WILL fall into place. I hope for it.

i'll give you the numbers.

stats for the 6 day "mini-sembreak/vacation":

rating out of 10, 1- lowest, 10- highest:

productivity level: 3
i can say that im not completely unproductive for the past 6 days. well ive managed to plan several things for the upcoming hell weeks. i got to spend time with my family. and i successfully opened my physics and chem book. and not to mention my accomplishment of actually finishing one series (sabrina the teenage witch, what can i say, i missed the old days, i needed to watch something that would lighten my view about teenage life. although i wish i also had my finger to make life a little bit easier for me. haha.).

gluttony level: 9
i cant give myself a 10 for this one! haha. eventhough ive been eating A LOT, i still have the conscience to run up and down the stairs, move around the house with a broom on one hand, and a cone of ice cream on the other. ahaha. *laughs at the corny, but true, confession.

hygiene level: 2
i would rather not elaborate on this. im a mess. next!!

hair-growth level: 5
i would like to clarify that the hair growth im pertaining to here is on my head (for those people who have other things in mind.). i guess hair grows at a high rate during the hibernating season. (refer to post about "buhok")

stress level: 1
it may seem to be too unbelievable, but my stress level has gone down. i guess that's what happens when you're with your family, in the comfort of your own couch and bed, with nothing else to think about except what you're going to eat next! this reflects a great deal about my priorities. despite the upcoming examinations for next week, instead of spending the whole weekend 'nerding' myself out, i opted to relax and enjoy the time with my family. and besides, i do think i need a rest. i suppose, i deserve it. *shushing the voice in my head saying "you should've studied, you irresponsible student.". (im trying really hard to convince myself that i did the right thing. too late for regrets, i think?)

assessment:
i had a blast! thank God! :)

ang buhay ay parang buhok.

nagpagupit ako ng buhok.

kailangan ko kasi ng panibagong hairdo.

ang buhok, kapag napagupitan na, hindi na maaaring ibalik.

unless magpapa'extensions' ka. pero ayoko nun, mashadong artipisyal.

kaya ang buhok, kung nais mong bumalik sa dati, kailangan ng panahon, para tumubong muli. ang ibig sabihin, matagal-tagal pang panahon ang dapat kong hintayin, bago tumubo ang buhok ko kagaya ng dati.

parang buhay. hai.

paalam buhok. hihintayin ko ang iyong muling pagtubo.

*kayo na bahalang umintindi. hehe.

akalain mo.

hai. namimiss ko na ang feeling na kinikilig.

haha.

wala lang! random thought!

mashado na kasing busy sa school work eh!

hai.

love life.

:)

rants.

topic sa buhay ko ngayon: ang pagiging selfish.

haha. hindi ko pa maipahiwatig yung nais kong sabihin dito, pero ewan ko ba. haha. ang selfish kasi eh. haha. kulang sa simpatya, kulang sa pagiintindi ng iba, palibhasa, mashadong mahalaga ang sariling kagustuhan.i'll elaborate on this, once na mahanap ko ang tamang mga salita. haha.

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masakit talaga ang maiwanan. umasa akong hindi ko na mararanasan pa ulit yung mga naranasan ko dati nung hindi pa ganon ka mature yung utak at puso ko, kaso, kapag may nakilala ka palang immature na tao or probably, iba lamang talaga ang pagpapahalaga, gugulo ang mundo mo. (oops, ang foul ko na ata.)

hindi ko ipagkakaila, nasaktan ako. naaalala ko pa dati, sabi mo, hindi mo gagawin sa akin yung pagkakamaling nagawa ng mga kaibigan ko sa akin noon. kaso sa nararamdaman ko ngayon, mukhang nagawa mo na, at parang higit pa ata sa level nila. haha. pero ayos lang. pinapabayaan naman kitang gawin kung ano yung GUSTO MONG GAWIN. ayoko lang marining sa iyo na sinasakal kita at kinokontrol ko ang buhay mo dahil kahit na masakit sa akin, hindi kita pinipigilang PUMILI ng mga taong nais mong makasama. haha. kala ko ang tibay na atin. alam mo yun, akala ko, hindi mo ako makakayanang bitawan ng ganon lang, pero nagkamali pala ako. binitawan mo ako. bale para na lamang akong timang dun na hindi bumibitaw sa iyo. hawak pa rin kita, kasi aaminin ko, mahirap para sa akin, dahil ako kasi, masasabi kong naiintindihan kita. eh sa kung gusto mong magkaroon ng maraming kaibigan eh. haha. kaso nakikita ko na higit na mas mahalaga para sayo ang SILA kaysa sa TAYO. haha. ewan ko ba. kala ko habambuhay na, kala ko hindi na talaga. haha. AKALA ko lang pala.

infairness, salamat ha. kasi sinasaktan mo ako. pero sa sakit na nararamdaman ko, natututo pa rin ako. haha. ayos na sa akin iyon. pero sana may matutunan ka rin sa akin. haha. mananahimik muna ako. lalayo muna ako. tutal iyon naman ata ang dapat kong gawin para magkaayos KAYO. haha. nagpaalam ka pa sa akin, eh alam mo namang masakit. haha. ewan ko ba sa'yo. haha.

PINILI kita. kaso, hindi mo ako PINILI pabalik. haha. pero ayos lang. nandito lang naman ako eh. nakakalat lang ako. siyempr, basura lng naman ako na tinatapon tapon, tapos kapag hinanap mo, madaling makahanap ng basura eh, madaling pulutin, haha. ganun ang role ko. haha. basura ng mga tao. ang basura naman, bago maging basura, useful muna. haha. siguro ganon ako, pag nagamit na, pag nagawa na yung dapat kong gawin, tinatapon na lamang nang basta basta. kaya nga wala akong BESTFRIEND eh. or walang tumatagal sa akin. haha. may diperensya ata ako. haha.

haha. hai. ang bitter ko. ang sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit sakit naman kasing talaga. (nafeel mo bang nasaktan ako?)

haha. wala atang nakakaintindi sa akin. oo wala. hindi naman kasi ako kaintindi intindi eh. kaya nga ako namimisinterpret, kaya ako palaging may kaaway. haha. warfreak daw ako. haha. ayokong maniwala roon. i care. yun yun. kailan pa naging kasalanan ang pag-'CARE'. haha. hai.

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nakakainis ka pala, pinasok mo pa ang mundo ko. haha. ayan tuloy, yung mundo ko, naging mundo mo na. di bale, sayo na lamang ang mundo ko. tutal, hindi naman ata napansin ng mga tao sa mundo ko na naglaho na pala ako. haha. salamat sayo, inagaw mo na naman ang buhay at kaligayahan ko. di bale, bubuo na lamang ako ng panibagong mundo. kakausapin ko na lamang si god na tulungan akong mag genesis part 2. haha.

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hai. well. sama ng loob ko. sobra. haha. oh well. sana maintindihan ako ng nagbabasa nito. iyon kasi ang kailangan ko ngayon eh, yung iintindi sa akin.

...

tanong.

how could something that feels so right be so wrong?

hai.

masakit pala kapag napunta ka sa isang sitwasyon na wala kang magagawa kundi ang tanggapin ito. kahit na ba nararamdaman mong tamang tama ang isang sitwasyon, as long as hindi ito 'meant to be', wala ring mangyayari.

hai. kanina ko pa pinipilit sagutin ang tanong na ito.

kung sino man ang may alam,

pakisagot naman.

(kung maaari lamang, IKAW nalamang ang sumagot. para diretso na. hehe.)

inevitable.

its funny how things change in just a split second. (well maybe not a second, maybe a few hours, a day or two.) by thing i mean several different aspects like your emotions, your thoughts, your mood, how you interact with people, your heartbeat, your movements, your friends, your physical feelings, your love for someone and all other your "type something here" that exists and is capable of change.

i observed this starting last night till tonight. (man, how i suck, ngayon ko lamang iyon na realize! how much of a loser can i get! haha.) well, i dont know. ive been seeing a lot of changes. well maybe i did not only observed it last night, maybe for the past couple of days. i dont know. it feels really odd, one day your just having fun with your friends, then all of a sudden you're like aliens with each other. i cant understand how that really goes but it really sucks to think that things work out that way.

as for moods, there is what one calls a moodswing. but i honestly cant imagine how one can have 5 different moods in just 2 hours. haha. (sorry. grabe ka naman kasi. or grabe ako. haha. or grabe tayo! hai!)

as for the love for someone, it fluctuates like crazy! maybe because of several factors like jealousy, et. al. haha. one moment you love him, then all of a sudden you hate him so much.

as for interaction with other people. one time your with someone then after a few minutes your with a different person. i think i see the disadvantages of this. there is a saying of "quality over quantity". i think this situation applies to this. id rather be with the same people and build deep relationships with them than to be with countless numbers of people and just maintain a shallow relationship. (as in yung tawa nalang ng tawa. hai. ewan ko. iba siguro definition ko ng relationship and friendship.) well, im not capable of muti tasking with everyone, cause the way i see it, you cant have all of them, there will always be sacrifices.

as for thoughts, i suppose it never became constant. after thinking of something, it changes to another something, and back to the other something, and then a new something again. i dont know if im crazy or anything but its just that i have a lot of things in my head right now that i find it hard to focus on one thought, there always has to be change, and my head cant stop thinking.

and as for those " all other 'things' " , well, id rather not mention them. itd be too long of a list and meaning more consumed time for you readers. haha.

well. changes do occur, even in the shortest intervals, and in the most unexpected moments.

and no matter how you try to avoid it.
there will always be changes.

like now.

.